How to Talk Dirty

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If you want to get good at dirty talk, get ready for some bravery and maybe a little awkwardness. Finding the right freaky things to say (or romantic, or hot, or playfully sexy) takes practice – and trial and error. It may be a bit more of an art to discover just the right dirty things to say that don’t offend or put off your partner.

It’s important to note: when we say dirty talk, we mean any verbal exchange that makes someone aroused. Some people like their sexy talk to be very explicitly and full of dirty, overtly sexual words. They might like this because it breaks taboos and increases intensity. Or, it makes them feel naughty when they were told all their lives they were supposed to be nice. 

Others feel uncomfortable or turned-off when talk is too explicit because they want to feel something different. Perhaps they are looking to feel cared for, loved, seen, taken or adored. In this case, you will need to use a different approach with your language.

Why Dirty Talk Is So Important

They say the biggest sex organ we have is our brain. There is so much truth to that. Sure – different kinds of physical interactions can get your mind going. But there is nothing more effective than bringing in a few freaky things to say to create sexual tension.

Getting your mind really aroused will bring orgasms more easily and make them much stronger. Also, for people who are easily distracted during sex (and many women deal with this issue), it helps them get their head in the game. The right sex talk keeps you more engrossed in the experience and builds arousal.

Taking the First Forays into Dirty Talk

If you are nervous about how to take the first steps into sexy talk, you might start out with some dirty text messages. Texting what you want to say can be a way to dip your toe in the water. Since texting is such a universal communication method, you could also try to write sexy notes or stories for your partner. Taking the time to hand-write something for your sweetheart is guaranteed to make them feel very special. 

Before you jump in, however, you have to know what to say – and how to say it. Whether you call it erotic talk, sexy talk, dirty things to say, or even sweet talk – to do it well, you need to understand the human psyche.

Gather the Clues

To really excite someone with your words, become a desire detective and start looking for clues in your partner’s every-day antics.

  • Does your partner like flashy, fast cars? Then they probably like sexy dirty talk that is all about power.
  • Are they fond of flowers? They possibly only want sexy talk if it’s in the context of a love relationship.
  • Is your partner a nature lover? Erotic talk that describes the shivers up their spine when you drip water from a lake across their bare nipples might be their jam.
  • Are they a hard worker? They might need to know how good they are at what they do.

So… pay attention and gather clues about what they want to feel and hear from you. 

Bring Sincerity to Your Lusty Lines

When you talk dirty, the most important thing is to be genuine – to speak from your heart or your gut (not unlike a well-received compliment). The more real and vulnerable you are in your sexy talk, the more it will land for your partner.

Unless you have a very sincere tone, be careful of using too many cliche words like “baby” or “honey”. They are guaranteed to come off as cheesy or condescending. Also avoid silly words like “boobs” or “tush” since they are likely to kill the mood. Try “breasts” (for romance) or “tits” (for more passionate or dominant talk) and “butt”, “booty”, or “ass” are better words for the behind!

Also, the more serious you are when you talk sexy, the deeper the impact. If you say sexy things in a joking or sarcastic manner, they will likely backfire, creating the opposite feeling in your partner. They will think they are a joke to you instead of feeling wanted.

So, muster your courage and your sincerity and take the plunge…

Dirty Things to Say to Your Boyfriend

So you’ve wanted to get the nerve up to lay some sexy dirty talk on your boyfriend. But what exactly should you say? Maybe it would help to have a few hot things to say in bed to a man. Here you go:

If he’s into feeling powerful or possessive:

  • That’s your ass. I love when you spread it open and look at it.
  • I will do anything you say, daddy (only use this one if the two of you have good boundary/consent practices).

If he wants to know how good he is:

  • I can’t believe the things you do to me. You give me chills all over my body.
  • I’ve never felt like this before.
  • The way you fuck me is out of this world.
  • You fill me up completely.

If he likes to feel desired:

  • Your body is absolutely amazing. You are exactly my type.
  • I’ve been thinking about having your dick inside of me all day long. But right now I need to have it in my mouth first…

Remember, all of these are helpful if you want to practice how to talk dirty to your man long distance. With some slight tweaking, they can all make excellent dirty text messages. 

Here’s a few more dirty text messages, just for fun:

  • I’m playing with myself right now and thinking of how amazingly hot you are.
  • I just can’t stop thinking about how well you fucked me last night.

And one for the guys who like to be dominated:

  • You are my nasty boy, and tonight you are going to lick me until I tell you to stop.
How to talk sexy

Freaky Things to Say to Your Girlfriend

If you are having sex with men, they are often a bit easier to please when it comes to dirty talk. When seducing a woman however, you need a bit more finesse to turn her on. 

Because women are socialized to fear being “used,” it will help to let her know that you respect her before bringing in overtly sexual talk. Showing you care does not imply a committed relationship – just that you are honest and she can feel safe with you.

If she’s all about romance:

  • My heart is beating faster just from being near you.
  • I could hold you like this forever.

If she wants to feel how much you desire her:

  • I want to kiss and lick every inch of you.
  • I can’t wait to be inside of you – but I’m going to take it nice and slow.
  • Your ass feels so amazing in my hands.

If she wants you to dominate her with your words:

  • Get on your hands and knees. Now press your chest down so that your ass is pointed up in the air. Higher! Good girl.
  • Are you ready for your spanking? I’m going to make that ass all nice and red.

If nature or spirituality is her thing:

  • When I’m inside of you like this, I feel like we are one and connected to everything.
  • You are my goddess, and I want to show you my devotion.

And a few more dirty quotes for the ladies: 

  • If I had you naked right now, I’d tease you until you could barely breathe.
  • Your pussy smells so good – I don’t even want to wash my face before I go to work.

How a Sex Coach Can Help You Talk Dirty

If you work with an experiential sex coach like a Somatica practitioner, they can help you take the intitial steps into practicing with some dirty talk.

You can try different phrases out on them in a session and they will give you honest feedback about your tone, presence, cheesiness or sincerity, and language choices. They can also help you find the right amount of words and proper frequency. This makes you feel much more comfortable and confident to take the plunge into the electrifying world of erotic talk.

Another option is to join the Somatica Training and try out these new skills – plus a wide variety of other sex and relationship tools – with a whole cohort of people. Taking the plunge into the training is the fast track to getting you quickly to the highest levels of confidence!

So go get ‘em tigers and tigresses!

Find a professional sex coach near you or by expertise now.

Danielle Harel
Danielle Harel
Dr. Danielle Harel is the the co-creator of the Somatica® Method and the co-founder of the Somatica® Institute. She has a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality (DHS), a graduate degree in Clinical Social Work (MSW), and a Bachelors (BA) degree in Psychology and Educational Counseling.

As a somatic sexologist, professor, and author, Danielle has devoted the last 20 years to resolving her client’s sexual challenges, training sex & relationship coaches, and empowering people. Harnessing her extensive training in sexology, psychology, and body-based modalities like Hakomi, attachment theory, character theory, and neuro-patterning, she guides people in reaching their fullest personal, professional, and sexual potential.

In addition to being faculty at Esalen and teaching the Advanced Somatica Training and Mastery Classes, Danielle has most recently embraced the adventure of co-producing the TV series Here She Comes – an episodic based on the Somatica Method (currently in production).

Before that, she published original research on Orgasmic Birth, and co-authored 3 books with Celeste Hirschman: Cockfidence, Making Love Real, and Coming Together.

She has also written extensively on sex, relationships, and dating, and is frequently quoted as an expert resource in publications.

To everything she does, Danielle brings her unparalleled passion, depth, intuition, and magnetizing personality.

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