While the world might place limitations on us, there is one thing that can never be taken from us: our imagination. No matter if you have to spend some time away from your partner, are in the midst of social distancing, or just want to keep the sexy energy going – sexting can be an amazing way to play!

And if you are going to sext, you might as well do it right. So here are some tips on how to sext like a champ.

Sexting Tips

Before you go into a full-blown sexting frenzy, it’s important to know the basics. For the most successful sexting, follow these 4 basic Do’s and Don’ts:

DO’s:

  1. Get to know the person a bit first. Guys, just an FYI: women are highly sensitive to the idea of being only wanted for sex. While this sad fact comes from our legacy of slut-shaming – remember, she might just want to use YOU for sex as well. It just means that you want to get to know someone first before you jump right into sexy talk.

  2. Make sure your partner likes to sext. Your first text leading up to a possible sexting session should be simple. Try “How do you feel about sexting?” or “Are you into sexting?” If you feel unsure of their interest, you can bring up the topic in a less direct way to check your partner’s response. For example, you could say you read an article about sexting – and see if they get a twinkle in their eye, or frown. 

  3. Use strategic timing. Knowing the other person’s schedule is helpful. Start sexting at a time when you both have the space to enjoy it. The middle of the workday usually isn’t great. Lunchtime sexting however can help you make it through a long workday if you both can find some privacy. If not, later in the evening is usually a good bet. Sexting can also be a fun morning-wake up activity for you early birds out there.

  4. Practice safe sexting – As a reminder: there are many ways your sexts can end up all over the internet. Your partner may get mad at you and share them publicly. Your phone could get hacked, and texts and pictures stolen. With that in mind – safer sexting means only sending things that you are ok with others knowing. If you are sending photos, avoid identifying features like your face, tattoos, birthmarks, or unique jewelry.
Woman getting sexting tips

DON’Ts:

  1. Send dick pics. We’re sure you’ve heard it by now. But if not, we are telling you again: don’t send unsolicited dick pics. It is a turn-off for most women. It will also very likely end the conversation or create distance between you. If you are doing it anyway, perhaps you like the feeling of making people uncomfortable. In that case, it’s time to figure out how to get these sexual needs met. If you don’t care how you are impacting the other person, you may need to become more empathetic – a trait that can be learned. All that being said – if someone asks you for a dick pic, you are above the age of consent, and you are comfortable sending one … have at it!

  2. Ask specific questions. Specific questions like “What are you doing now?” or “What are you wearing?” put people on the spot. It’s more likely they start telling you what you want to hear – instead of really getting into the experience. Make it more interesting by telling an inviting and detailed story instead. Try – “I am imagining we are sitting across from each other at a restaurant and I start touching your leg under the table…”

  3. Sext with multiple people at the same time. It’s just a recipe for trouble. Even if your partners know you are dating multiple people, nobody wants to get an out-of-context sext meant for someone else. 

  4. Ghosting. Sexting is brave. You are putting yourself out there vulnerably. It can be scary to say something edgy and your partner doesn’t respond right away. Make sure you are in a space where you can respond. When you feel the conversation is done, close it in a sexy way. Maybe like “That was so hot. But the kids just got dropped off and I have to go back into parent mode now. I can’t wait for another round with you ;)”. If something unexpected comes up and you have to run, don’t drop the conversation. Let the other person know … “Damn. My boss is calling. I have to take this. To be continued…”

How to Sext Masterfully

Once you are following these basic sexting tips, you are ready to move on to the next level: how to sext masterfully.

Your first task is to figure out what the most exciting sexting is going to be for you both. This is where understanding Core Desire and Hottest Sexual Movie come in. And if you want to get the in-depth scoop on how to turn people on, check out the book Coming Together.

Overall, avoid being too aggressive while sexting. Subtlety, and building up tension works better. Here’s your 3-point summary that will guide you to sexting mastery:

  1. Figure out feelings: People have sex to feel something they really want to feel. So you need to figure out what you want to feel – and what your partner wants to feel.
    It could be anything from adored, to degraded, to seen, or merged. These feelings are called Core Desires. Sexting with words that communicate these feeling is the surest way to arousing your partner.

    Your partner may also be more or less interested in explicit texts. For example, people who want to feel adored or are more romantically-inclined will usually like less explicit sexts. People who like to be dominated or are kinkier are often into more explicit sexts.

  2. Find the fantasies: The great thing about sexting is that you can play with fantasies. They may even be fantasies that you and your partner don’t really want to do, but turn you on.

    For example, your partner might have a fantasy of being taken against their will, even if they don’t want it to happen to them in real life. If they are open to playing with it, you can sext them about it and turn them on – even though you won’t actually do it.

  3. Co-create the story (or take turns): Once you know what each other’s turn-ons are, you want to see if they are similar or different. If they are similar, you’ll have an easy time getting each other turned on with one exchange. If they are different, you may need to take turns, catering first to one of your fantasies, then the other.
Sexting examples

Need Sexting Examples? Here you Go.

Here are some examples of feelings people want to have – and the hot sexts you can send to make them feel that way. Sometimes compliments work – other times, it’s actions.

Desired: People who want to feel desired will enjoy lots of compliments.

  • “I can’t stop thinking about you, and all the things I want to do to your gorgeous body.”
  • “You are seriously the sexiest (man/woman) I’ve ever seen.”
  • “You are so fucking beautiful. I’m picturing my hands all over your body right now.”
  • “I want to do everything there is to do with you – starting with kissing those amazing lips.”
  • “I never knew touching someone could feel this good.”
  • “Tonight, when I get home, I’m going to kiss every inch of your body and go down on you until you moan.”

Competent: Compliments also work great for people who want to feel competent

  • “You are an amazing lover. You make me cum so hard, I feel like I lose all ability to think.”
  • “When you look at me with this intensity in your eyes, it makes me tingle all over.”

Dominated: If your partner wants to feel dominated, focus on actions

  • “When you come home tonight, put on nylon stockings and your sexy bra and be ready for my arrival.”
  • “Start touching yourself – and then tell me exactly what you are doing and thinking about.”

Witty Responses to Sexting

Everyone wants to pride themselves on having witty responses to sexting. It’s like an arousal tennis match. Each person contributes to more arousal, and together, you create a story. To keep the story rolling, inserting humor is always a successful option – like this:

  • “I’ll put my phone on “vibrate” and look forward to your response. ;)”
  • “Don’t be shy. I can have multiple… messages.”

If you get an unsolicited dick pic, it’s probably best to just stop texting with that person. They likely lack social awareness or don’t care about your consent.

However, if you think they are just oblivious and want to give them another shot, you could send a witty response back. An option would be the picture of a huge dildo with the note “Mine’s bigger. But if I get to know you better and you have a good personality, I might be interested in seeing yours.”

Why do guys like sexting so much?

Why Do Guys Like Sexting So Much?

Women often wonder why guys like sexting so much. It’s simple, really: males are given a lot of permission to be sexual, but often don’t have the outlets to share their desires. Sexting is another tool they can use to share their sexual desires and feelings. 

Also, men are taught not to be vulnerable. Sharing your sexual needs and desires however is often quite vulnerable. A guy might have less fear of rejection if he is not looking at his partner face-to-face. Because sexting is written and can be edited, it also gives men time to come up with more in-depth and witty invitations and responses.

How a Sex Coach Can Help

As with all things sex and communication, it’s helpful to have a professional on your side. One sex coach reported that she had a client call her for urgent help with sexting. He didn’t know what to say to his date, and kept switching back and forth between the two people. It ended up going great.

If you need help with your sexting game, or want counsel around boundaries, or consent, get in touch with a sex coach!

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Danielle Harel
Danielle Harel, PhD is the Co-creator of the Somatica® Method and the Co-Founder of the Somatica® Institute. She trains coaches in the Somatica® Method of Sex and Relationship Coaching. She has her own private practice in Sunnyvale, where she supports her clients in having amazing sex and relationships as well as passion-fueled lives. She has published original research on Orgasmic Birth and is the co-author of two books, Cockfidence - The Definitive Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild and Making Love Real - The Intelligent Couples Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion. Danielle Has her Masters in Clinical Social Work From Haifa University in Israel and her PhD in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS). She is a Clinical Sexologist and a Certified Sexological Bodyworker. Danielle is a Certified Body Positive Facilitator and took many trainings in embodied and mindfulness based therapeutic approaches such as Hakomi.