It’s widely recognized that men frequently worry about not lasting long enough during sex. Women’s version of performance anxiety however – the lesser-known female sexual anxiety – shows itself by taking too long to reach climax, or not being able to orgasm at all.

Men are physiologically aroused more quickly and psychologically ready for intercourse faster. And women often feel like they have to keep up – even though they may not be ready. They fear asking for what they want because it might make their male partners expect an orgasm even more. (Generally, this is not the case for lesbians since they have a better understanding of what it takes for a woman to achieve climax.)

Do Women Want Orgasms?

Female sexual anxiety often reveals itself as a fear of being disappointing. To avoid this, women may tell their partner they don’t need to have an orgasm for sex to be pleasurable. They will say they love having sex with you, even if they don’t come.

When it comes to women who are capable of having orgasms, we just don’t buy it. What we actually hear from countless women is that they DO want to have orgasms. They just don’t want to feel pressure to do so.

In the long run, if she isn’t having orgasms, she will be less satisfied and less likely to want to participate in sex. So as her lover – what can you do?

How to Turn a Woman On

What this means for women’s partners is that they need to take the time to learn how to turn a woman on. Focus on seduction, teasing, and the build-up of erotic tension to minimize female sexual anxiety. When a woman can relax into the enjoyment of the experience, she will be less anxious and more likely to come.

It is important she doesn’t feel you are just trying to turn the right knobs or press the right buttons for her to orgasm. Instead, let her know you enjoy learning how to turn a woman on. Tell her you want to warm her up. And that you want her to take all the time she needs.

It’s also a great idea for you to invite her to bring her vibrator into sex (or have one handy yourself!). Let her know that you’d be delighted if she grabbed for it at any time. You can also suggest to tell you what you can do to be part of her orgasms.

To alleviate female sexual anxiety, learn how to turn a woman on.

How a Sex Coach Can Help

Want to help lower your partner’s female sexual anxiety? Practice how to have a conversation with her that alleviates any pressure she puts on herself.

A sex coach can help with this conversation. It might be something short like, “I could stay down here all night long” if you are going down on her. Your coach can also help you become an amazing lover. They can teach you touch and seduction skills, and giving real-time, honest feedback.

Being a great lover means slowing down and really feeling what you are doing. A sex coach shows you the right pace that gives a woman the non-verbal message that she has all the time in the world.

Ready to get some help? Find a sex coach near you.

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Celeste Hirschman
Celeste Hirschman, MA is the Co-Creator of the Somatica® Method and Co-Founder of Somatica® Institute. She trains coaches in the Somatica® Method of Sex and Relationship Coaching. She has her own private practice in San Francisco, where she works with clients to have profoundly pleasurable and fulfilling lives. She has co-authored multiple academic articles published in peer-reviewed journals and is the co-author of two books, Cockfidence - The Definitive Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild and Making Love Real - The Intelligent Couples Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion. Celeste has her MA in Human Sexuality Studies from San Francisco State University (SFSU) and her BA in Women’s Studies from the University of California, Santa Cruz (UCSC). Celeste has taken the Hakomi Pro-Skills Training as well as multiple other trainings on sexuality and relationships. Celeste also has a Certification in Sexological Bodywork from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS).