GET INTIMATE! – Your weekend tip for opening hearts and inviting intimacy.

Being authentic mingles in the same pot with being honest, having integrity and being accountable. If you are like most, you will declare unequivocally that you are and that you do.

But do you really?

Here’s a simple exercise that I suggest to my clients:

Take a few minutes at the end of each day for a personal assessment.

• Did you bend the truth to avoid conflict?

• Did you do what you committed to?

• Did you offer an apology when appropriate?

• Did you say ‘yes’ when you really meant ‘no’?

• Did you play the ‘subterfuge game’ to protect yourself?

• Was there outright lying? Or avoidance?

All of the above behaviors are detrimental to your relationship(s) – even if your partner was/is oblivious to your inauthentic or deceptive behavior.

Do you wish you had done something differently? You can! Initiate a ‘do over.’ Simply replay the situation (with your partner) and do your part in a way that is clean and clear.

Honesty invites intimacy.

Here’s an example:

Jane: Remember in bed this morning when I said I didn’t have time for sex because I had to get to the office early?

Dick: Yes, you sure were in a hurry to get going.

Jane: Well, I want to erase what I said – it wasn’t honest and I am sorry I didn’t tell you the truth. I haven’t been in the mood for sex lately because I’ve been feeling unappreciated and I’m angry.

Dick: Oh…..I thought maybe there was something you weren’t telling me.

Jane: Can we talk about it now?

Are you WAITING to get what you want in your sex life?

Well, you might be waiting forever.

Waiting, whether patiently or impatiently, doesn’t create change. Add heaps of hope or tons of knowledge and you are still not creating change. Waiting lacks action, energy, and dynamic exchange. Waiting shuts off the flow of potential.

If you would like to receive, then you must first give. You may have heard of the Universal Law: As you give, you will receive. That law pertains to nature, the economy, and to your sex life as well. The Universe only responds when we act, so take the first step, take the initiative.

In giving, you are birthing new potential, lighting the kindling, inviting expansion. But, there is a key here that’s essential for this dynamic exchange: If you give with the focus on getting, you will sabotage the process. Focus instead on creating value; revel in your ability to add a positive element.

Give unconditionally and enjoy the process.

If you want more kissing, kiss more.
If you want more erotic massage, offer some.
If you want variety in your lovemaking, initiate some.

Marijuana and Sex:

[I'm delighted that Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex: The Man’s Guide to Whole-Body Sensuality, has delved into this controversial subject. Are you one of the many with a strong opinion? Read on and see if it is supported by Castleman's survey. -- Pam]

A year ago, I posted about marijuana’s contradictory effects on lovemaking, an impact notably different from other recreational drugs. The sexual effects of alcohol, cocaine, narcotics, and meth– you name it–are well-documented and predictable. But not marijuana. Its sexual effects are all over the map, from “I can’t stand having sex stoned,” to “I never have sex without it.”

In the literature, those who call weed sex-inhibiting typically say that when stoned, they withdraw into themselves and lose the connection to their partner. Those who call pot sex-enhancing usually say that it boosts desire, increases arousal, enhances sensuality, and helps them feel closer to their partner.

Research into the sexual impact of marijuana dates from the 1970s. One of the first reports showed that it reduces testosterone enough to impair libido in many women and some men. But in short order, that study was thoroughly debunked.

Subsequent studies showed that weed has wildly contradictory effects on sex. A 1984 report found that it enhanced lovemaking in two-thirds of respondents, but ruined it in the other third. Studies from 2003 and 2008 show that about half called the drug sex-enhancing, while half said it was not.

Read more >

Erectile dysfunction, also known as ED, can affect a man at any age. However,  it is becomes increasingly common as men grow older. This condition can now be  treated with drugs. However, these drugs are expensive and are contraindicated  for some men. Tantra offers a totally natural approach that can help make  erections stronger and last longer. Integrating Tantra into your life can  improve ED while at the same time benefiting every aspect of your life.

Tantra helps you to become aware of your energy body, which extends beyond  the physical body. There are seven energy centers in the body called chakras.  They are located in the area of the genitals, lower belly, below the diaphragm,  the heart, the throat, just above and between the eye brows and near the top of  the head. With practice you can learn to move ecstatic energy through your chakras. Eventually, you can discover how to share this experience with another  person and experience orgasmic energy with or without an erection. This journey begins with learning the 3 Keys of Sky Dancing Tantra.

Learn the 3 Keys

The 3 Keys are breath, sound and movement. Begin by practicing deep  belly-breathing through an open mouth. As you inhale make your belly round as  you exhale the belly flattens. As you exhale through your open mouth let out a  long sigh or other sound that feels good. Sound helps you to increase the  awareness of your body’s orgasmic energy.

Next, you add movement, in the form of the pelvic rock. Rocking your pelvis  helps to awaken the sexual energy that is concentrated in the first and second  chakras. Lie down on a firm surface, such as a yoga mat on the floor, with bent  knees. Place your feet hip width apart and flat on the floor. As you inhale,  rock your tailbone down, arching your back slightly. As you exhale, flatten your  back, your buttocks will rise slightly off the floor. Practice this till it  feels natural. Add the breath and sound as you are ready. Once you have mastered  the 3 Keys you can open the Inner Flute.

Open the Inner Flute

The “Inner Flute” is an energetic tube that connects the chakras together,  it. is also called the central channel. When the Inner Flute is activated, the  energy that is concentrated at base of the spine begins to flow upward towards  the heart and finally all the way to the crown. To open the Inner Flute you add  sexual breathing to the 3 Keys. Sexual breathing is done by sipping the breath  in through pursed lips, as if sipping through a straw. Imagine, as you inhale  you are drawing energy up through the center of your body, from your perineum to  your heart and eventually, all the way to the crown of your head. As you exhale,  it is helpful to imagine that the energy descends all the way back down to your  perineum and into the Earth. This helps ground the energy and prevents headaches  or feeling spaced out after the practice. Once you begin feeling the energy  moving through the Inner Flute or can add the PC pump.

Activate the PC Pump

You activate the PC pump by squeezing the pubococcygeus muscle or “PC  muscle.” This is a hammock shaped muscle that stretches from the pubic bone to  the coccyx (tail bone), forming the pelvic floor and supporting the pelvic  organs. It helps controls urine flow and contracts during orgasm. A strong PC  muscle can enhance sexual pleasure and helps control ejaculatory release.

You activate the PC Pump by inhaling and squeezing the pelvic floor muscles  upward as if holding in your urine. Then, exhale and let the muscles relax fully  back down. Practice this several times. When you are ready, put all the steps  together. Inhale, rock the tailbone down and squeeze the PC pump. Exhale, make a  sound, tuck the tailbone up as you flatten the back and relax the PC muscles.  Practice this until you can do it easily. Practice this exercise at least 100  times a day.

Practice Self-Pleasuring

Once you have mastered this practice, try doing it while you are  self-pleasuring. As you get close to an orgasm, imagine pulling the energy up to  your heart, as you squeeze the PC muscle and hold the breath. While holding the  breath, apply pressure either around the base of penis with your thumb and ring  finger or press up at the center of the perineum with your first 2 fingers. This  helps prevents ejaculation. Exhale, release the PC and relax the body  completely. This allows the energy to spread throughout the entire body. When  you feel ready, begin self-pleasuring again and repeat the above process. Do  this 3-4 times. You may choose to have an ejaculation or you may decide not to  have one. I recommend experimenting with both and see what you discover.

I hope to find this practice helpful. These Tantric tools can help men at any  age improve their sexual pleasure and increase the over-all health and vitality.  Your comments are appreciated.

Sex Positive!

Anonymous

So I went to the doctors to be tested. And sure enough, the tests came back positive. I was sex-positive. I have sex.

I decided I’d better go to all of my lovers and warn them that I was diagnosed as being sex-positive. They seemed strangely unperturbed by this news. Then I found out that every single one of them had already gotten sex themselves! I couldn’t believe it. It is apparently very contagious. I’ve heard rumors that sometimes you can wind up getting sex from someone just by kissing!

I decided I needed to do some research on this serious subject. I discovered that there’s a lot of evidence that sex is also genetically transmitted – that is, every single person who has been diagnosed as having sex had parents who also had sex.

I met someone who told me he used to have sex, but didn’t have it any more. I was amazed! I asked him what the cure was. He said he ate nothing but celery and flax seed, stayed away from women, and meditated 16 hours a day for 10 years. I thanked him for the information…

So it looks like I’ll have to resign myself to a life of having sex. It’s not so bad – no one has been really shocked except my parents.

And there are some advantages – the support groups are really a blast.

Wendy Strgar, Lovologist, and Founder of
www.GoodCleanLove.com,
shares about the action, energy

“A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know.”
Jeanne Bourgeois

If ever there was a communication mechanism that predicted the destiny and longevity of a romantic interlude, it is the kiss. What we say with our kisses, as well as how they are received and understood is the basis for all the sexual conversations that they initiate. The dynamics of a great kiss are multi-layered and complex, as the moment our lips meet a cascade of neural messages and chemicals are released in the brain that transmit multiple messages of intimate connection, sexual potential and even euphoria. Indeed, when we kiss deeply, our hearts beat faster and our breathing becomes deep and irregular, mimicking the response of intense exercise.

Indeed, the human art form of kissing has developed over millennia and our ancestors believed that the kiss carried the power to unite their souls, as they presumed that the spirit was carried on the breath. This is not surprising as our urge to kiss is at the root of our biological imperative to procreate. Our human form of kissing is related to some of the most primitive animal behaviors that we share with all mammals, which allow us to smell our mates to determine genetic compatibility. This is why it is impossible to imagine kissing someone who smells offensive to you. The primal scent attraction that happens or doesn’t in a first kiss is actually a biological safety mechanism that deters us from poor genetic matches.

Still, even where compatibility exists, many go unaware of the subtleties, which can turn kissing into the passionate art form that it is. One secret that transforms every kiss is the power of intention that every kiss holds. Kisses that are insincere or are demanding intimacy that doesn’t exist are visible for what they are. Whether it is a first kiss or the five thousandth kiss good bye, your kiss reveals you. You cannot hide your ambivalence inside of a kiss. There is no forcing in a kiss; although most of us can remember the unwelcome thrust of an un-invited tongue shoving its way in. The use of unnecessary force or the urge to pull away speaks volumes.

Approaching the art of kissing with the same goals we bring to cultivating meaningful conversation, clarifies both technique and intent. In fact, if you think of kissing as a way of communicating in ways that words can’t come close, the subtlety of good kissing technique comes clear. There are three primary elements that turn on a kissing conversation: breath, lips and tongue. One of the first essential discoveries in the art of kissing is that it should not be rushed. Just as a real conversation opens with the capacity to listen, the patient kisser is curious and their kisses demonstrate their sensitivity and understanding. Rushing in and trying to take control of the kiss screams amateur and pushes people away more often than pulling them in.

Employing the breath as a space holder and using it to connect to your partner conveys the deep connection that it cultivates. Breathing through your nose and allowing deeper breaths to align you with your partner is one way to get the connection deeply. Many tantric techniques rely only on synchronized breathing to create a mystical and profound unity. This slow attentive kissing can open the doorway to deep passion that may just leave you gasping for air. Our lips have the ability to give our kisses an enormous vocabulary. The human lips are covered with thousands of nerve endings and have the ability to communicate soft opening as well as firm control. Experiment with softening your lips even for a short kiss and see how that changes the dialogue. Hard kisses with tight lips can be overwhelming even in the midst of serious passion. Soft open-mouth kisses invite your partner into a dialogue, which is the goal. Feel for response.

Open-mouthed kissing can teach you a lot about opening to relationships: about how to avoid forcing things, as well as giving both partners the opportunity to be active participants choosing their unspoken words.

The agile tongue can speak volumes in a kiss. Unfortunately, many people misunderstand the French kiss is as a simple insertion of their tongue in the mouth of their partner. Nothing can kill a kissing mood faster than a sloppy tongue in the midst of a tentative open-mouth kissing conversation. Consider the tongue as your diplomat, and just like in a good conversationalist, use the tongue judiciously to communicate interest, curiosity and intrigue. A light tongue tracing the lips, quick darting meeting of tongues in the center of open lips is incredibly exciting and will open the conversation to new levels.

Developing the artistic capacity to communicate with kisses will not only enhance the physical intimacy that you share but you will be surprised at how much safer and more open your verbal conversations will become.

The Joy of Researching the Health Benefits of Sex
by Melinda Beck, www.online.wsj.com

Is sex good for your health—or is that just a fantasy?

A flurry of small studies suggest that sex is as good for your health as vitamin D and broccoli. It not only relieves stress, improves sleep and burns calories, it can also reduce pain, ease depression, strengthen blood vessels, boost the immune system and lower the risk of prostate and breast cancer.

But many of those studies rely on people to remember and report their sexual activity honestly and many can’t distinguish between cause and effect. That is, does sex make people healthier or do healthier people have more sex?

More research is needed to evaluate all these claims. “If I told you we have randomized double-blind placebo-controlled multi-center trials on these questions, there is no such a thing,” says Irwin Goldstein, a urologist and editor in chief of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. The biggest obstacle is lack of funding, he says. “If ‘sex’ is in your grant proposal, it’s very hard to get it approved.”

Still, a look at what researchers do know about the physiology of sex shows that at least a few health benefits may come along with that roll in the hay. Some benefits of sex—beyond producing a baby, that is—are obvious even without scientific evidence. “When you have good sex, there’s a relaxation response and a satiation response…you lie there and life is great,” says Dr. Goldstein, who is also the director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego, Calif.   Read more  >

Are you having an affair?  Or a quasi-affair?

Excerpted from How To Please a Woman
by Pam Babbitt
Click here for your FREE download.

Before you jump out of your seat with a resounding “NO!” consider the several and subtle forms of affairs:

SEXUAL AFFAIRS are obvious and need no defining. (Although… according to some politicians, the line between lust, sex, and cigars can be a wavy one.)  There may have been a one night stand, just a meaningless fling, or ongoing sexual flirting, innuendos, and erotic energy with your secretary (or young intern) – let’s call it what it is – an affair.

EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS are likely to be found lurking in the shadows, unrecognized, yet they are lethal to a relationship.  Are you more open emotionally with another woman – sharing your feelings, dreams, challenges, or frustrations?  Do you run to her for support and encouragement?  Do you complain to her about your partner, maybe even sharing intimate details?  Do you feel responsible for her happiness? Do you share good times while excluding others? Do you lie to others about your connections, or keep them secret?  Do you get jealous if her attention is focused elsewhere?  

A ‘yes’ to several of these questions is a sure-fire qualifier.  There may not be any smooching happening, but there’s a truckload of sentiment.

DEFAULT WOMAN affairs are characterized by a woman in the wings – a wannabe lover.  You toss her crumbs or words of love – whatever it takes to keep her hopeful and in waiting mode, just in case your relationship doesn’t work out.  And, there’s that dreaded tightrope to be walked whenever you, your default woman, and your partner are in the same place at the same time.

GREENER GRASS DISTRACTION may not be considered an ‘affair’ though it carries the same betrayal, lack of commitment, and disrespect. Do you have only one foot in your relationship and antennae that is furtively scouring for greener grass?  Do you come on to other women to test the waters – to see if there is an attraction?  It doesn’t matter if you are like that proverbial dog chasing the car (wouldn’t know what to do with it if you caught it) – Damage and Disrespect is the name of this game.

Each of these affairs is a betrayal. You are sharing or engaging with another woman in ways that are inappropriate and disrespectful of your partner and of your relationship.  Your attention and energy are divided – your relationship is being neglected.  What is in the way of your having the relationship of your dreams is: YOU!

Time for a time-out.  Step back from dating – get grounded, get centered, get honest, get clean, and get integrity – and that is the way to get a solid, loving, passionate relationship.

Affairs happen for a variety of reasons (Read 7 Top Reasons for Affairs), and an affair is not necessarily the beginning of the end of a relationship or marriage.  What you do from here on out will largely determine that and there are many resources for recovery available.

Get clean and clear.  Is your life littered with untruths, manipulation, secrets, or posturing?  Living a life of dishonesty is enough to drive a man to drink… gamble… overeat…  And there may be additional repercussions:  Guilt and shame can lead to sexual dysfunction, and some believe that ‘dis-ease’ in your life contributes to ‘disease’ in your body.

Do you routinely give mixed messages?  If so, what is consistent about your behavior is your inconsistency.  Crazy making for all!

Be aware that even if you lie only occasionally, your partner will have difficulty trusting you at all. She knows that honesty is an across-the-board trait, and she also knows that it’s your behavior that tells the truth, when your words and actions are not congruent.

Consider this: “I can hear that you don’t trust me.  What is it I do that gives you doubt?  What can I do different?”

Rather than this: “Why can’t you trust me!  I’m not lying!  You should trust me!”

You have a choice:  Clean it up and ‘do it different.’  Sure, there will be challenging repercussions. There will also be the opportunity to build a delicious, loving relationship that is bound with respect. You will enjoy a lightness in your body as that monkey (no, gorilla!) on your back is told to take a hike.  The energy depletion that comes from keeping secrets will no longer drain you – you’ll enjoy added enthusiasm and energy for every aspect of your life.  You will be amazed at the significant changes, and you will delight in standing tall.

Imagine this:  You are standing straight and feeling tall, directly in front of your partner.  Your feet are firmly planted.  You are fully present and honoring.  Your hands are holding her hands and you are holding her in your heart.  Your eyes are locked.  You are IN the relationship – by choice, not by obligation or desperation. There is no pretense and you’ve taken off your mask.  You have no need to hide.  You invite love and passion, and you are ready to fully participate in the blissful dance of intimacy.

Are you standing there?  Not quite?  Or “When pigs fly!”  Maybe that isn’t the path you want to take – not right now or maybe never. Would you prefer to play the field?  Not into monogamy or commitment?  Want to keep things light (aka surface) – nothing deep – just fun and games?

Pick your path.  I am not suggesting that monogamy is the only valid relationship path.  I am suggesting, though, that you walk your chosen path with honesty and integrity.  If monogamy just isn’t your thing, swinging, friends with benefits, or polyamory (ethical non-monogamy) are popular alternatives.

Whatever relationship or dating path you choose deserves respect.  But that respect needs to start with you.  Respect yourself enough to give yourself permission to be you and acknowledge the truth of your chosen path.  And respect your partner or dates enough to share that truth.

‘Clean and clear’ is a very good place to be!

Research has repeatedly shown that men are more stimulated by the visual, and women are more often stimulated by the auditory.

When your lover hears your kind, loving, or erotic words, the heart connection is amplified, enabling her to more fully access her feminine radiance and sexual desires. She derives intimacy from talking, and may often need that intimacy before she can be aroused.

Feeling tongue-tied? Here’s a few thoughts to get the verbal juices flowing:

1)  Be sincere – it matters less what words you use, as long as they come from your heart.

2)  Share your feelings – are you feeling eager, anxious, excited?

3)  Vulnerable is ok – matter of fact, it’s GREAT! She wants to experience all the facets of who you are, and sharing your vulnerability will nudge her heart open even more.

4)  Tell her how you would like to please her, and look into her eyes as you do – for that extra dose of intimacy.

5)  Now tell her how you would like to be pleased – and where – and don’t omit the juicy details. You may feel shy telling her, but believe me, she wants to hear it.

“Men love with their eyes, and women love with their ears.”  — Oscar Wilde

“For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears.  He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.”  — Isabel Allende

All happy couples are the same. Which is to say they are just boring.”  –Tolstoy

Dana Adam Shapiro’s new film “Monogamy” is more a study of breakups and divorce than it is of committed relationships. He became intrigued with the demise of relationships as he watched many of his contemporaries and close friends divorcing. He conducted over 50 interviews over two years that became the foundational research for his film, which added the intrigue of a private investigation to keep the plot moving.

Shapiro notes, “All the people I interviewed are sort of flawed antiheroes, which is the part that Theo [the main character] plays in the movie. They are not necessarily ‘good people’ — they’re simply people trying to be good.”  More accurately, they are people who, after their relationship has ended, can bear witness to and articulate how badly they did. One interviewee said, “I never once thought about my wife or my marriage first until it was over.” Another woman recounted not just the final affair that ended her marriage but the years of dishonesty and falsehood that led up to it.

Tolstoy’s idea that all marriages work in the same way is ridiculous. Just as most breakups are different variations on the same theme and often stem from the failure of one or both partners to step up to their best selves, relationships that work and endure contain the same variations of opposite themes: both people in the relationship actively engaging in becoming their best selves and committing to bringing that to their relationship.

Just as divorce is not a story of bad luck, lasting relationships are not the result of good luck. The truth is that there is no other context in life that offers the potential to create either the best or the worst of us. Many people unwittingly become dedicated to the most negative aspect of their personalities and, to the degree that they develop little insight, take these traits out on their relationship. Certainly, the interpersonal drama that this antihero practices is enough to fill a lifetime of relationships. But just because it is common does not make it the story worth emulating.

Still, even with the cultural myths of the near impossibility of enduring relationships, we remain a people dedicated to searching for them. There is no other culture in the world that seeks out romantic relationships at the pace that we do or makes the choice to try again with such frequency.

Learning to love is a lifelong pursuit, and many of the people who leave relationships grow into the people they wish they had been when they started. Relationships and all their pitfalls are still the most important and life-changing circumstances that define our life. When it is all said and done, it is the only really meaningful markers we have to remember our lives. Who we loved, who loved us back and how we learned to be the best of ourselves is never a boring tale.