Can Tantra Help Heal
Sexual Abuse?
Randall, of The Heartful Embrace
I
am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I am wondering if Tantra
could help me learn to feel safe and enjoy being with my husband? I have
been in therapy for 5 years and have addressed most of the issues
related to my abuse...but I can't seem to move past the sexual issues?
Thanks
Can
Tantra help? Absolutely. Tantra can be a gentle, loving portal back into
relationship with the innate safety and wholeness of your own body. It
can help to surface, soften, and release old woundings and attachments
that no longer serve Life, allowing renewed access to the affirming
pleasures and joys of your mature and innocent body.
As one of my early teachers often said: Touch is primary. It goes right
to the core of our being. It by-passes thinking and the conceptual
layers. And Tantra can provide a beautiful container for sacred touch.
There is a wordlessness to cellular healing that transcends our thought
forms, stories, and conceptual structures. There’s nothing inherently
wrong with these things (especially if they remain in open exchange with
Life and all its experiences feedback). Mental constructs simply have
their limitations – they do not answer the body’s cellular need for
touch, energy and expression.
The one caution I would offer in your case is to be sure to approach
Tantra from a truly spiritual/energetic orientation rather than a
remediation/mechanical orientation. If you have an over-riding agenda of
somehow changing or fixing yourself, you will likely be disappointed.
Rather than transcending your issues, you may simply give them a new
arena in which to play out. Again, nothing wrong with such an
experience, but it could frustrate you and cause you to turn away from a
very real opportunity for transformation.
If, on the other hand, you approach Tantra as the sacred exploration and
resource it can be, you will find it brings you into deeper conversation
with the divine wisdom that has always been within you, awaiting the
invitation to fully emerge and express. Old patterns will dissolve in
the unblinking light of awareness and unconditional love. The healing
will be effortless, not forced.
Women sometimes approach Tantra as a sexual fix-it project, hoping it
will give them access to depths of orgasm and bliss that have evaded
them. Men, on the other hand, are sometimes intimidated by Tantra
because it seems like just one more arena where they are expected to
perform to a higher standard – more expectations, more opportunities to
fail or disappoint. Approached appropriately, Tantra is neither about
fixing nor performing; it is about awakening. It is not about
expectation and obligation; it is about the freedom to FEEL again. It is
not about personal skill; it is about shared resource. And it’s not
about submitting to some teacher or school; it’s about empowerment and
reclaiming your sovereign right to your own pleasure and power…
Tantra can bring you home to what I like to call ‘mature innocence.’
Innocence that is not an accident of time and circumstance … but a
product of personal clarity and choice. Innocence that, once reclaimed,
can never be taken away. And innocence that, once integrated, actually
contributes to the joy and growth and healing of the entire planet.
But I’m getting too esoteric, here …
My advice is that you and your husband find an opportunity to dip into
Tantric experiences together with open minds, open hearts, and no
agendas. Just a child-like curiosity, free of expectation.
Perhaps you can find a local “puja” to attend. Pujas are sacred circles
in which men and women are guided to open themselves to a direct
experience of the divine masculine and feminine resource within all of
us. Experientially, you get to witness outward reflections of your own
inner resources. When led by skilled tantrikas, you learn to cultivate
an unselfconscious sense of love and appreciation for the great
diversity of appearance, experience, and expression contained not just
‘out there in the world’ … but within yourself!
Perhaps there is a practitioner in your area who can provide more
personal encouragement, education, and support. Alternatively, there are
a variety of lovely weekend (or even longer) introductory workshops you
can find designed to bring couples into greater alignment and attunement
with their original ecstatic connection (and beyond!)
This website (SexCoaching.com) can serve as a point of entrée for
finding these resources. I encourage you to use it!
And ALWAYS (in this, and in all aspects of your life) give yourself
permission to ask the questions you need to ask, and to feel the
feelings that need to be felt. You can’t do this “wrong” – but you can
make it harder by pretending that you’re getting what you need when
you’re not. Or assuming that somebody else knows better than you. Honor
your own truth, every step of the way. Tantra is a path to empowerment.
So, yes, Tantra can be an invaluable resource and transformative
influence in your own inner life and in the intimate expressions of that
life with your husband. And Yes, Tantra can be the very same thing for
HIM!
If you approach it with a sense of wonder and playfulness, you will find
yourselves opening to possibilities and vulnerabilities that may
currently be unimaginable … and through that opening, you will both find
new levels of personal strength, freedom and (yes) power.
I encourage you to be kind with yourself. Gentle. Compassionate.
Patient. But also be fierce in your commit-ment to your own vitality and
health. It is your birthright.
Namasté
—
Randall
