The
Sexual Stages of Relationships
Falling in love is easy. That’s why we call it
“falling” and not “climbing.” Sometimes we even plummet into love. This
falling idea implies we don’t have a choice. It also means we don’t have
control. Falling in love is an emotional bungee jump, an adventurous
free fall into the unknown depths of imagined romance. There is an
element of excitement to that “falling” feeling. When we relax our guard
and let ourselves love another person, we get into the rush. It’s only
later that we say to ourselves, “Oh, wait, what was I thinking?”
Long-term relationships
are not
necessarily a
death sentence
for love
and desire.
In the early phases of romantic love, everything feels easy. We are
excited to see our beloved. We think about them often. We desire them
sexually. And sometimes we feel like we can’t get enough.
At some point, the fall seems to slow down. And maybe it even stops. For
some of us the ground rushes up fast, and we slam into the hard cold
reality of real relationship. Our partner doesn’t always adore us. We
don’t always feel cherished. Sometimes they annoy us. And sex isn’t as
spontaneous and passionate as it was during the free fall stage. The
relationship moves into a more settled place and sometimes we wonder
whether we are still in love. When the sex is different, the highs are
not as high, and the attraction is not the same, does this mean that we
are no longer in love? What happened to the passion?
Long-term relationships are not necessarily a death sentence for love
and desire. These phases of partnership are normal and common to
everyone. Sexual excitement and passion are part of a conscious
relationship, where a shared vision of connected, intimate partnership
is part of the work of couple hood.
The early stages of love feel like passion, but are perhaps more about
brain chemistry.
Dr. Helen Fisher, in her studies of brain chemistry and
brain function, reports that dopamine plays a role in regulating mate
preference and
norepinephrine may also be associated with courtship
attraction. Increased norepinephrine levels in the brain produce
“alertness, energy, sleeplessness and loss of appetite” which are some
of the primary characteristics of human romantic love. Fisher also
noted, after putting 17 research participants in MRI machines while they
were in the passionate early stages of love and examining their brains,
that the portions of the brain that were stimulated under this level of
arousal was the same area triggered by cocaine use.
Our bodies release feel good hormones and brain chemicals that create
obsessive-compulsive thoughts and promote attachment to others during
our initial attraction. Over time, these chemicals and hormones
naturally decrease and levels return to normal. We then feel like we
lose that passionate state of desire for our partner. This is when we
begin to long for more intensity and a return of that feel good chemical
place that we call love.
It is in this phase of relationship that we have to start working at
passion. We have to make a decision to commit to a deeper connection and
a more erotic life with our partner. Better sex and more passion often
require more conscious choice. It may not feel effortless anymore like
it did in the free fall phase of your relationship. But now we have the
opportunity to create the passion we really want.
The “Sweatpants” Stage:
After the romantic phase has come to a
landing, we settle into a commitment with our partner and we start to
relax. The more familiar we are with each other, the safer and more
comfortable we feel, and more of our real selves come to the surface. We
may begin to relax our appearance. We sometimes start to put on weight
or forget to shave as often or just become careless about our looks. We
stop worrying about attracting our partner and start to worry about
whether or not we are attracted to them.
When we go into a conflict phase…sex can sometimes be used to keep
score.
Sex during the “sweatpants” stage may be comforting; we know more about
our partner’s needs and what they enjoy. We feel more confident in our
ability to please our partner. We might slide into “maintenance sex,” no
longer trying new things, just focusing on what works. Maintenance sex
can be great, but not always as passionate as we desire.
The Conflict Stage:
When we go into a conflict stage (and we all
do), sex can sometimes be used to keep score. If we are happy with our
partner, we feel more open to erotic connection. Conflict and resentment
may prevent us from wanting to be intimate. Sex may become a way to heal
rifts, or it may decrease in frequency as we begin to pull away,
protecting ourselves from stress.
When conflict goes on for too long, and there is defensive behavior in
both partners, we may begin to withdraw from each other. We pull back
from the relationship, trying to protect ourselves from harm. We might
accept the conflict as unavoidable and decide that it’s worth staying in
the relationship for a variety of reasons; including the fact that we
still remember the passion of the romantic love stage and hope that
someday we can get back to that initial feeling.
The Sleep Stage:
We make a choice, instead of ending the
relationship, to go to “sleep,” sinking into the inevitability of
unhappiness, and focus on outside interests to keep us feeling
energized. This begins the “sleep” phase of the relationship.
The sex in the sleep phase may be the only time there is connection in
the partnership. Sex is a way to feel closer to a partner and renew a
sense of commitment. This may also be a time when we start fantasizing
about other lovers, or perhaps split off our erotic needs into affairs,
internet relationships or pornography. Sometimes we just wonder what
happened to all the passion and energy in our relationship.
In the “sleep” stage the sexual relationship begins to wane. Couples at
this phase of their relationship may begin to complain about lack of
interest in sex, sexual dysfunction, and non-initiation, feelings of
rejection, abandonment, and resentment toward their partner. (Note: Many
physical reasons exist for sexual dysfunction, including blood pressure
medications, heart medications, cholesterol medications, menopause,
hormonal imbalances, thyroid medication, birth control pills, and
antidepressants. See your doctor for physical symptoms of sexual
dysfunction, including erectile dysfunction and lack of interest in
sex.)
Waking Up:
The good news is that there is another stage of sexual
relationship: the “waking up” stage. Sometimes one or both partners
recognize that the partnership needs help to return to or begin a new
stage of passion and connection. This is the time that many couples come
to therapy or seek out an Imago couples workshop. One partner recognizes
the problem and doesn’t want to stay asleep. Both partners remember the
“alive” feeling of sexual connection and of falling in love. They want
to feel energized and passionate again. The process of learning to talk
to each other begins.
Learning to explore and share can create new ways to connect. Connecting
can keep a partnership awake and alive for the long term.
Just as in the early stages of relationship, when we seek to know our
partner intimately, we can bring new excitement to our relationships
later when we learn ways to communicate about sex. Better lovers bring
more skills to the relationship and increase the depth of erotic life.
Couples can do this at any phase of relationship, bringing a new level
of passion to the relationship.
When we learn how to talk about the things that scare us, we experience
a greater level of intimacy. Loving feelings then naturally increase
toward our partner. Risk can make sex exciting and many times increases
feelings of attachment.
Much of the delight in the early stages of relationships comes from the
discovery of our partner. Learning about our love object, unveiling our
own inner selves, and finding erotic charge from the shared discovery
keeps us engaged and present in relationship. Remaining curious about
your partner, learning ways they receive pleasure, and what they desire,
can renew those early feelings of “falling in love.” Falling into the
passion can be a conscious choice at any phase of your relationship.
Through conscious dialogue and a commitment to growth, couples can have
the passion and love they desire.
Assignment - Sex Date
Make a date with your partner for sex. Sex dates
are an important part of creating spontaneity and special time in your
relationship. It shows commitment and intention to your partnership, and
simultaneously adds a caring and more erotic element to your connection.
Ironically, spontaneity only happens when you plan it! Pick one night a
week and know that you will have some type of sexual contact, even if
you don’t feel like it in the moment. Sometimes arousal comes before
desire - don’t wait for the desire to hit. You are creating an
environment where desire can flourish, once it is aroused.
