The Most Famous
Orgasm?
The
Responsibility of Orgasms
Most lovers want them. Some try very hard to get them. And many
believe that orgasms are the only way to prove that sex was good.
Like snowflakes, orgasms are uniquely beautiful, no matter how they
show up. They may be earth moving, heart thumping, full body
blasters, out-of-body odysseys, toe curlers, skin tinglers, hair
raisers, or the good ole' Rocky Mountain “YeeeeeHaaaaww.”
So what happens when the Big O is elusive?
Whose responsibility is
it?
SCENARIO I -
Bob and Carol
Carol is being pleasured by her partner Bob. Last week
Bob turned 50 and has become concerned about his sexual performance. He is
diligently touching her in all the right places and in all the right
ways, but it just isn’t happening. That voice in his head takes
over, “What am I doing wrong? This worked last time. I can't even do
this like I used to.”
Carol had a stressful day at work, and although she is enjoying
Bob’s touch, she is not yet able to fully
relax. Soon Bob’s determination to produce the Big O is apparent.
“Oh darn, I can tell he is trying really hard to give me an orgasm,
but I don’t think that’s going to happen tonight. I hate to
disappoint him. Should I fake it again?” The pressure to perform is
so distracting that Carol is now unable to enjoy the pleasure of
Bob's touch at all, and lovemaking is feeling like her work-day - a
job with performance expectations.
Bob becomes impatient and snarky. The shift is obvious to Carol who
is frustrated and discouraged. The pleasuring ends abruptly with no
cuddling or communication. Both partners feel like failures.
SCENARIO II - Ted and Alice
Alice is erotically pleasuring Ted
who is being playful and sharing that he is really in the mood
tonight. As Alice continues, she notices that he is less responsive
than usual, and then she notices a yawn. A bit later, a change in
Ted's breathing pattern indicates that he may have dozed off for a
minute or two. Alice decides to match Ted’s energy, rather than
trying to redirect it. She gradually shifts from erotic touch to
soft, slow, non-sexual caresses, and soon Ted falls asleep. Alice
covers him with a blanket, kisses his forehead, and smiles to
herself as she recognizes her supportive role in his journey to
slumber.
Ted's body wisdom spoke and Alice chose to honor it. Initially, Ted
thought that his need was for erotic pleasuring, but his body
indicated otherwise. Both Ted and Alice enjoy engaging with no goals
or expectations – they honor the energy however it shows up or
shifts. Ted was able to relax and surrender to Alice's touch; while
Alice was comfortable fully stepping into the giver role. They both
viewed the pleasuring session as just perfect, with no sense of
failure.
Myths
• A good lover can give his or her partner an orgasm. At least one.
• If sex is good and satisfying, there will be an orgasm for
everyone. At least one.
Truths
• Orgasms can’t be given. They can be invited and allowed.
Ultimately, everyone is fully responsible for his or her own orgasms. There are many factors that determine whether or not an
orgasm is likely. Remember that an orgasm is a body function, and
don’t forget that the human body is very intricate, and the female
energy body is especially known for its flowing, variant nature.
Emotional, relational, and environmental issues also play a part.
• What constitutes "good, satisfying" sex is subjective. Many people
fully enjoy ecstatic sexual pleasuring without experiencing an
orgasm. Some lovers consciously choose to refrain from orgasm and/or
ejaculation with the intention of retaining and re-circulating that
juicy erotic energy.
Being present, rather than goal oriented, can boost your pleasure
potential immensely, along with your orgasm probability. When your
lover is sweetly caressing your back, but you are thinking, “How
soon is she going to get to my genitals?” you are not fully enjoying
the touch. Picture ripples of pleasure floating off into space,
rather than permeating your body.
If orgasms are more elusive than you would like, have hope. Guidance
is available to help you learn to become fully present, deepen the
heart connection, release goals and expectations, and surrender to
pleasure.
