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Sexual Attraction -
Re-discovering the Spark
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Dear Belle, You suggest that your attraction has disappeared as a result of your husband’s lack of desire or appetite. This has some logical basis in the concept of “operant conditioning” – in the absence of positive reinforcement, the impulse to behave in a certain way naturally undergoes “extinction” – it diminishes. When we offer ourselves (whether in sex, conversation, support, appreciation … whatever) and are repeatedly ignored or rebuffed, it is only natural that we become more cautious and circumspect with our offers. |
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I would suggest that, by now, there is probably a whole laundry list of
complaints, problems, and issues that exist (whether acknowledged or
not!) in your mind. So the first thing to do is to cultivate your
ability to
Get the mind
out of the way |
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Chances are, whatever attraction originally brought you into intimacy with this man remains within you. It is latent in your “soft animal body” – the cellular presence that so seldom has a chance to feel and express fully because the mind feels it must remain in control to keep you safe. The mind lives in the past and the future, always scanning for reasons to do things.
In this dynamic, feelings (sensations experienced in the moment) are
overwhelmed by emotion (the mental translation of those feelings into
drama, fixated on regrets over the past and fears concerning the
future). Any native attraction that remains will have a terrible time
breaking through the iron grip of mental self-consciousness.
The body has not lost it capacity to be present to the moment; in the absence of positive reinforcement (operant conditioning again!) … it has been trained to not even try. The difference, in this framing of the situation, is that it is not your husband who is withholding positive reinforcement … it is YOU! Your own mind, decisions, choices, and habits.
So the first (and perhaps most difficult) step for you will be to suspend all your thinking about this matter, and start creating the conditions under which you can allow yourself to be more of a present, sensate, feeling person, yourself.
If you know how to meditate, deepen in that silence where the mind’s self-consciousness dissolves. If you don’t, consider learning!
Or invest your attention in some body-focused activities, such as walking, dancing, exercise, or yoga. Not to “accomplish” anything – but simply to give your body attention, and cultivate a more personal relationship with your feelings. The better you know and relate with your body … the more your energy fields shift … and the wider the range of possibilities in all aspects of your life.
In your case, it may be useful to enlist the support of a sexual energy resource (a daka, dakini, or someone grounded in sexual energies) to help you restore a clearer, more direct, and unconditional sense of your sexual self – one not distorted by stories and resentment, but anchored in current feelings, capacities, and potentialities. Ideally, this is something to be undertaken with your husband’s full involvement. He may even find the prospect of working with another person’s presence/attentions/ energies a kind of catalyst for revisiting his own habits and assumptions around sex and sexuality.
The thing is, all this must be approached as an exploration – whatever degree of innocence and playfulness you can bring to it will pay enormous dividends in new awareness and insight. If either of you has an explicit expectation or agenda, all the resources and exercises and experiences in the world won’t shift things.
Ultimately, you can only be responsible for yourself. You must be
willing to let go of any ideas of how things “should” work, and set
about the work of discovering who you really are, in all of this. While
you can hope your husband is willing to come along on a new journey of
inquiry and discovery, that cannot be the precondition for your own
progress. Otherwise, you will remain stuck. That’s of no value to you,
your husband, your partnership, your communities, or this planet – which
is in such desperate need of awakened, inquiring, and authentic people
who are willing to make themselves vulnerable to the mysteries of Life
over and over again.
| In summary |
1)
Explore ways to routinely quiet your mind,
and get it out of the way. Try not to fixate on “sex” or your stories
about sex that are currently active for you.
2) Cultivate a closer, more intimate relationship with your own body as
a wondrous instrument of feelings, intuition, wisdom, and energies.
3) Enlist (if it feels right) the support of an energy worker who is
willing and able to help you explore your inner terrains with
transpersonal compassion and total integrity.
4) Invite your husband along, every step of the way. Do this with
clarity, presence, and sincerity. Be unconditional in your invitation,
not as a way to blame or “fix” him, but as a way to explore new
possibilities together.
5) Fundamentally, commit to your personal growth and development. Do not
let your husband’s choices limit your own options or progress. In
complete integrity with your own sense of appropriateness, pursue your
unique path toward greater Self awareness, appreciation, and
empowerment. You may find that the “sexual desire” aspect may shift
dramatically when it is held in the larger context of a life that is at
once richer, more creative, and truly authentic.
Good luck!
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