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I am very lost with myself right now. I love my
husband, and while we continue to grow, I have found myself in a sexual
relationship with another man...a previous lover. I would never leave my
husband. I love him and he is truly my lover. The other man seems to
provide excitement and it is more like an addiction to being wanted. I
think I have feelings of jealousy, which is my first clue that I
shouldn't be with him. He is not in it for love or more than just the
sex. Is it possible to have this without me getting hurt? Am I kidding
myself when I tell myself I am just enjoying the fun of it? I truly am
worried that in the long run, I am just going to be hurt, that I simply
cannot just have sex.
Linda
Linda,
Thank you for your question. I believe this is a common issue for many
women and men. While most of us in our society will marry at some point
in our lives, this does not mean that one person is capable of
fulfilling all our sexual needs. This dynamic flies in the face of
traditional monogamous relationships and sets many up for failure when
they do what most do which is having a clandestine affair. With an
affair there is a huge risk of several people getting hurt, you, your
husband, and your lover.
I am assuming that your husband is not aware of the affair with your
lover. Would it be possible to have an open relationship? Unless you
enjoy the adrenaline rush of the risk of being caught, an open
relationship could give you the benefits of being honest and genuine
about your needs with both your husband and your lover as well as lessen
your risks of being hurt. Of course even in the most open of
relationships you could still get hurt, that is the risk of opening your
heart in any romantic relationship.
If you find that you are driven by the thrill of the forbidden, then
your risk of getting hurt is high and I would strongly urge you to seek
some professional help in order to understand what is really driving any
self-destructive patterns.
Sincerely,
Rhoda Lipscomb, Sex Therapist
SexCounseling@yahoo.com
TalkAboutSexTherapy.com
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Rhoda Lipscomb, MSC, DAACS
Certified Sex Therapist
Denver, CO 720-530-6545
TalkAboutSexTherapy.com
sexcounseling@yahoo.com
In the storybooks, they lived happily ever
after; however, in real life it is not quite that simple.
Intimate relationships are an important part of our lives, yet
as the current rates of infidelity and divorce show, they are
far from easy. To make things even more difficult, most of us
receive little to no training on healthy, effective
communication, negotiation skills, or much past basic sex
education.
This is where I can help. I have over 15 years of experience
counseling individuals and couples in the areas of sexuality and
relationships. I will listen, mediate, and assist you in finding
a solution that is best for you.
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