Got dating trepidation?
Anxiety?
Feeling sexually inadequate?
Author of Getting the Sex You Want
I am divorced and was in a marriage where sex was
just okay at best. I am now interested in starting to date again, but
feel completely inadequate sexually and also from a communication
standpoint. What classes or books would you recommend for a single
guy in his mid-30's?
Dear Divorced,
I recommend my book, of course, Getting the Sex You Want, but not just
as a way to "hook up" and find the hot sex you are looking for. This
book, and perhaps others, are a starting point in learning how to
communicate your needs and interests. This is important as you start to
date again.
Having good sex starts with recognizing what good sex is to YOU.
Where do your fantasies lie? And how do you communicate them to a
partner? How do you express them so that a partner can experience enough
empathy to want to act them out with you, even if they don't share those
fantasies?
Start by thinking about what turns you on. Would you rather be in
control in bed or have someone else run the show? Do you want to take
over and ravish your partner or, most of the time, do you want to be
ravished? This will give you a hint about where your fantasies lie on
what I call the "erotic curiosity spectrum." Most of us are curious
about lots of erotic things. But what do you actually fantasize about
that turns you on?
Also, are you a verbal guy? Do you like to hear your partner make noise,
and are you an auditory person? Are you a sensory lover? Do you like to
be touched and to touch lots of different textures? Think about what
turns you on the most. Maybe write some fantasies down. Then think about
what it might be like to describe this to an imaginary lover.
In this initial phase of self discovery you might find that sex is not
something you need feel inadequate about, but rather a process that you
are exploring and growing into, with pleasure and a heightened sense of
discovery, and soon perhaps shared passion with a willing partner!
Passionately yours,
Tammy Nelson
Psychotherapist and author of
Getting the Sex You Want
