Q
Hi Michele,
I'd like to ask your advice about sex. My
husband and I have very
different sex drives. For him, everyday would be great, and twice a day
would be greater. For me, once a week, but to accommodate him, I'd have
sex twice a week. I don't think I'm abnormal, but he asks, "What's wrong
with you?" I say it's normal for a couple to have sex once or twice a
week. He says he doesn't care about 'normal', it's not enough for him.
He has a point, but everyday and even every other day is too much for
me. We've been married almost 20 years and have both built up a lot of
resentment towards each other. He, because of the sex, and me, for a
whole lot of other marital problems. I never did have a high sex drive,
even before we were married. Neither of us know how to solve this
problem, but it's a big one.
Kathy
A
Dear Kathy,
I am very glad that you are asking for feedback about your sexual
relationship with your husband because the patterns in your marriage are
so common that others reading your letter and my response might benefit
greatly.
First of all, know that testosterone, one of the hormones responsible
for sex drive, is 20%-40% higher in men than in women. Though it is not
always the case, it is very common for men to desire sex more often than
their wives. This gender difference often creates problems in marriages,
particularly when people blame each other for being different. Men think
their wives are passionless and women think their husbands are sex
maniacs. (I write about this in
Getting Through to the Man You Love).
Blame is the thing that destroys marriages, not differences in libido.
When men and women have substantially different sex drives, something
interesting happens. Most women need to feel close to their partners
emotionally to desire sex. Women need to spend time with their partners,
to communicate on a deep level and feel like they're team mates in
regards to housework and kids and so on. All this has to be in place for
most women to really desire their men.
Men, on the other hand, generally need to feel close to their partners
physically before they invest a great deal of energy into their
relationships. So she's waiting for him to be more intimate emotionally
and he's waiting for her to be more tuned into him physically and the
resentment that results in this waiting game is so huge, it's beyond
belief.
That being said, it's really important
for both of you to become more understanding of each other. This means
you both need to try to imagine what it would be like to live in each
others shoes for a while. He probably walks around feeling that if you
loved him more, you would be more sensitive to his needs. He undoubtedly feels hurt and rejected and
might even question his sex appeal.
You probably feel that if he loved you more, he would be satisfied
having sex once or twice a week. He would also be more responsive to the
other issues concerning you in your marriage that you alluded to in your
message. You also probably walk around feeling bad that he never seems
satisfied, that no matter what you do, he's always unhappy. This isn't a
pleasant feeling when you love your partner.
Look, Kathy, one of you needs to be the big one here to break out of the
vicious circle. Since you wrote to me, I'm counting on you. It could
just as easily be your husband, but since I don't have his ear (eye),
I'm going to direct my advice to you.
First of all, know that you're right about the average amount of sex
most American couples have per week. Know also that that statistic isn't
worth a dime because your husband isn't fazed by it. So he'll go on
being resentful, angry and distant. The upshot is that you need to make
him feel better about your sexual relationship. When you do, I promise
you, he'll be more responsive to you. Thousands of women have told me
this has been true in their lives.
There are lots of ways to accomplish this. Some may be more appealing to
you than others, but don't rule anything out just yet.
1. Flirt with him
.
Do you remember the early part of your relationship? Even though you
were never highly sexed, didn't you flirt more in the beginning, pat him
on the butt, tell him he looks great, and so on. This makes a
difference.
2. Put
other things aside and make time
Sometimes, women place too much priority on everything else they have to
do and make their sexual relationships last on their lists. Examine if
this is true for you. If so, other things can wait. Your marriage can be
better than ever if you reprioritize your time.
3. Even
if you're not really in the mood, do it anyway
- sometimes!
So many women have shared that they jumpstart
their sex drive by
just getting started. Once they're into it...they're into it.
4.
Consider
just pleasing him
If you're really not in the mood for sex, your husband may be satisfied
if you do something nice for him once in a while.
5.
Discover
new ways to rev up your interest
Let's face it, after so many years of marriage, you might need
something new to renew your interest. Cast your inhibitions to the wind
and experiment with anything that might intrigue you.
Okay, I can almost hear you saying, "Why do I have to do all the work?"
Kathy, just remember that the way to a man's heart is not through his
stomach. The more responsive you are to his needs, the more responsive
he'll be to you.
I want you to know that I really understand how difficult this has been
for you during your 20 years of marriage and I'm proud of you for
hanging in there. It says a lot about your (and your husband's) strength
and character.
Try being a little more receptive to your man and let me know what
happens.
Take care,
Michele
Bestselling author and Today show and Oprah regular Michele Weiner
Davis, is no stranger to private marital matters. Weiner Davis, a
clinical social worker, has been working closely with couples — those on
the brink of divorce or otherwise in crisis — for more than 20 years.
She's collected some of her wisdom in her new book, The Sex-Starved
Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire (Simon & Schuster), another
intimate "brown paper bag" title, as she jokingly calls it (others
include Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage).
You may visit Michele at
DivorceBusting.com, and if
you've got a sex question, she'll be pleased to help out.
From the editor - Have you ever put on an
outfit geared toward a specific activity, and then started to feel
enthusiasm for that activity? You've probably heard "dress the
part if you want to succeed." Energetically, the act of dressing
the part opens a 'force field' (gentler cousin of 'acting as if') to be
filled. So, dressing sexy may help you to feel sexy. Try it!
Pam Babbitt,
Editor-Sex Coach
