...High risk behavior is part of the pattern, as is secrecy and
lying. The compulsion becomes a vicious circle; the addict needs to use and
abuse to get that high or in control feeling (as they feel low and out of
control without it), they create terrible life and relationship
complications that make them feel anxious, ashamed, and bad about themselves, then they need increasing amounts of their addictive substance
or behavior to "manage" (read: medicate/eradicate) their ever increasing
pool of pain and shame.
Welcome to the world of the addict.
The sex addict becomes obsessed with continuing their behavior no matter
what the cost. They require increasing amounts of their behavior to satisfy
them-selves. Like any addict, they develop "tolerance"; they need ever
escalating levels of stimulus to get the same "kick" or self medicating
effect as the disease progresses.
Adrenaline is -- amazingly -- as addictive to the brain as heroine, so risky
or intense behaviors can become very addictive. Even chronic raging or over
working can fall into this category. Unlike what the public may perceive as
enjoying their elicit behavior, more often the sex addict feels deep shame
after engaging in activities that often violate their own moral standards.
Sex is a drug. Sex addicts, like any addicts, need rigorous treatment and
lifestyle changes.
When the news broke about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's alleged
involvement with a prostitute, the nation was inundated with
newspaper reports expressing shock and confusion. Politicians,
corporate executives, and various other pundits were outraged by
Spitzer's behavior? And healthcare providers began scratching their
heads at the apparent level of ignorance about addictive behavior
that these responses demonstrated.
In fact, Spitzer's behavior is a classic reflection of a particular
kind of addiction known as
sex addiction.
In the addictions recovery field, providers refer to the "insanity"
of the addict. They define this as a way of thinking that compels
the [sex] addict to continually make choices harmful to self and others,
yet denying consciously or unconsciously to self that such choices
will have any significantly negative impact. In Spitzer's case, he
continually made choices despite the enormous risks involved - risks
that included divorce, alienation from children, loss of employment,
legal charges, disease, blackmail, and personal humiliation.
Obviously from the news this kind of behavior now confounds many
people. They do not understand what propels a person to act so
irresponsibly that he ends up egregiously hurting self and loved
ones. Many are casting criticisms, judgment and expressions of glee
with no understanding or interest that Spitzer's behavior reflects a
deeply painful and unmanageable internal state of being very likely
driven by formative experiences that compromised a healthy sense of
self and others.
Such a painful state is at the root of sexual addiction. Healthy
individuals need to feel a positive sense of connection with self
and to know that they are able to manage their lives. Our ability to
experience this grows out of our interactions throughout childhood
with our primary caretakers and are shaped by the extent to which we
experience a sense of safety, a sense of feeling loveable, and a
sense of feeling competent.
When we do not have enough of these experiences growing up we become
adults who suffer a host of problems that include negative beliefs
about ourselves, a generalized state of anxiety and/or depression,
feelings of grandiosity, loneliness, a need to please or be pleased,
and a need to dominate or be dominated. A pervasive sense of
inadequacy is central to these states and addiction is a means to
manage the pain of it.
The seeming effectiveness of sexually addictive behavior to
ameliorate such intense pain lies in the emotional shift that
occurs. The sexual behavior triggers a mood-altering state that
gives the sex addict temporary relief from emotional pain and a euphoric
sense of excitement. And in the case of prostitution, the male or
female prostitute is simply a means by which the addict can
experience the excitement, sense of power, and the feeling of
connection that he is otherwise unable to experience in his life.
Governor Spitzer wielded enormous power in his political life, and
he presented the embodiment of a dedicated, effective, productive
and respected civil servant. Yet despite all this his sexual
behavior indicates that he was unable to consistently experience an
internal sense of confidence, loving connection, and healthy
control. Perhaps he would deny this. What he cannot deny are the
enormous losses he and his family suffered as the result of his
sexual behavior.
At the very least, Governor Spitzer has an opportunity now to be
curious about his choices, to recognize how little healthy power he
demonstrated over his behavior, and to seek out understanding and
help with making healthier choices in the future. These are the
critical first steps for all those painfully caught up in sexual addiction. To do so offers profound and deeply healing experiences
that lead to compassionate understanding and forgiveness, a world
full of loving friends and family, and a life robustly lived with
grace and dignity.
Patti Desertis a Licensed
Clinical Social Worker in Baltimore, MD with a holistic private
practice and specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety,
trauma, and associated addictions.
SAA is a
fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength
and hope with each other so
they may overcome their sexual
addiction and help others recover from sexual addiction or
dependency.
Statistics on Sex Addiction
The National Council on Sexual Addiction
Compulsivity estimated that 6%-8% of Americans are sex addicts,
which is 18 million - 24 million people.
25 million Americans visit cyber-sex sites between 1-10 hours
per week. Another 4.7 million in excess of 11 hours per week.
MSNBC/Stanford/Duquesne Study, Washington Times,
1/26/2000
Researchers at Stanford and Duquesne universities claim at least
200,000 Americans are addicted to E-porn.
Koerner,
Brendan I. "A Lust for Profits." U.S. News online. 3/27/2000
One out of every 6 women struggles with an addiction to
pornography.
Today's Christian Woman, September/October 2003
Sex is the #1 searched for topic on the Internet
Dr. Robert Weiss, Sexual Recovery Institute,
Washington Times, 1/26/2000
