We do
not take sexual abuse lightly. In
addition to the obvious abuse of rape, sexual abuse may show
up in many subtle or covert forms. From my sex coaching
experience, I see that it is often unrecognized, dismissed,
and minimized.
I’m struggling. I’m questioning the degree of
consciousness that I so often hear claimed. I’m
questioning commitments to sexual healing, safer
sex. I’m confused as to how a sex positive
mission can fly when the talk is not walked. I’m
struggling because I believe that what needs to
be healed must first be brought to the light.
I’m struggling because I see darkness shrouding
the secrets of rape, and yet the darkness is not
our enemy – refusal to peer into it is. And I’m
wondering how many elephants can fit into one
living room.
Rape is deplorable and unconscionable. And so is
victimizing the victim. I shudder when I hear a
news report of a woman being stoned because she
was raped. Those things only happen in other
countries, far away, in places that are less
civilized than ours.
The dark truth is – We stone in this country
too. We do it in ways that we judge are
civilized and just. We do it covertly, sometimes
under the guise of support – helping the victim
to see (our) reason. And we do it so that no
feathers get ruffled, we do it to minimize the
sensationalism, we do it to minimize community
division and maintain loyalties, we do it to
protect reputations. And sometimes we even label
our actions “for the greater good” though the
motive, whether conscious or unconscious, may be
self-protection or self-promotion. For the rape
victim, these are all experienced as stones,
every one.
The focus must always be on the victim. No one
else’s agenda should enter the picture. For a
victim of rape, the road to recovery is uphill
and arduous and can be greatly affected by the
words and actions of others.
A prime aspect of rape is that control was taken
away, control over body and life. Support
includes allowing a victim to regain control of
their life – in their time frame, their agenda,
for their good, no one else’s.
“It is essential that [the victim] know they are
believed, and that they be allowed to begin to
rebuild their life at their own pace. The
dominant feature of sexual abuse is that it is
forced on a person against their will, and it is
an act of violence and violation regardless of
how much visible “violence” is used; it takes
away a person’s control, and so it is vital that
someone who has been through this be in control
of their journey to recovery. People who have
been raped need to rebuilt feelings of safety,
trust, control and self-worth…” (excerpted from
HealthyPlace.com)
If there is a rape victim in your midst, please
consider this:
1) Just listen, don’t judge, don’t try to fix.
Be present with an open heart, give empathy if
you are able.
2) Don’t criticize the victim’s behavior – Why
didn’t you fight? Why were you there anyway? You
should have known. You gave mixed signals. Why
didn’t you say something after it happened? And,
one of the most harmful comments, “You are
promiscuous anyway.”
Rape victims are never responsible for the
rape, no matter what, regardless of
circumstances, and even arousal does not
constitute consent.
3) Don’t excuse the actions of the rapist.
Healing is needed here too, in a safe setting,
with professionalism, and excusing the behavior
only impedes the healing process.
4) Victims should never be pressured into
in-person meetings with their perpetrator, for
any reason. Apart from the potential for retraumatization, the victim may experience
another instance of violating their right to
have control over their life and make their own
decisions.
5) Clearly, rape and its effects should never be
minimized, no matter the circumstances. During
the recovery process, denial, shame, numbness,
and humiliation are common and may cloak the
degree of pain and the cloud the extent of the
harm.
6) Don’t try to take control – it is crucial
that the victim be allowed to make their own
decisions, in their own time.
"... arousal does
not equal consent." But in a world where we are trained to not speak
honestly about sex, just to do it or avoid it, we might well ask
what does. Usually, a woman signals with her body and not her words,
and often this signaling is "unconscious," such as open body
language meaning she is open to approach..."
Please take a look at
our
Directory of Professionals.
Many
of them offer phone, Skype,
as well as in-person sessions.
V-Day is a global movement to end violence against women and girls. It raises
funds and aware-ness through benefit produc-tions of Playwright and Founder Eve Ensler’s award winning play
The Vagina
Monologues and other artistic works.
V-Day generates broader atten-tion for the fight to stop vio-lence against women and girls,
including rape, battery, incest,
female genital mutilation (FGM) and sexual
slavery.
Rape is deplorable and unconscionable. And so is
victimizing the victim. I shudder when I hear a
news report of a woman being stoned because she
was raped. Those things only happen in other
countries, far away, in places that are less
civilized than ours. 
