Is This a Relationship Stage?
I
have been seeing this man for about 6 months. He says I am exactly what
he has been looking for but now that he has me, he is ambivalent. He
doesn't dislike anything he can put his finger on. The sex is great. We
talk for hours. I am wondering if this is a stage or if this is
something I should beware of. Initially, I thought maybe it was because
he has been ill for about 3 months and has had to undergo 2 surgeries. I
was thinking once the stress decreased for him, things might be
different. I really like this guy and I love his family but how do I
deal with the ambivalence and is there something I can do to help him
through it?
Sheril
Dear
Sheril,
I wonder if the "ambivalence" you refer to could just be a case of the
limerence waning. The limerence period is that stage in the relationship
when you just can't get enough of each other and happy thoughts of the other
person are always in your awareness. In other words, the easy part.
There is no specific expiration date for limerence, it could last for
weeks, for months or for years. I would even suggest that it could last
forever if both parties are willing and able to consciously create and
recreate it in the relationship.
But the natural tendency for most of us is to assume that the magic is lost
and either settle for the downgrade or move on in the hopes that we'll
find it somewhere else. And we probably will, at least until that one
expires.
I've always seen limerence as an example of what's possible in the
relationship. Kind of like training wheels, it shows us how it can be.
When the trainers come off (or the limerence runs out) it is an
opportunity to add something. For the bike, it's balance. In the
relationship, it's creating it on purpose. Consciously living it to be
as easy and passionate and fun as it was with the training wheels on.
Just remember, a relationship is a co-creation and requires the effort
of two.
As for his being ill and the surgeries that followed...that kind of
disruption of the ordinary can certainly have an effect on anything from
a person's priorities to their self esteem, so I wouldn't be quick to
rule that out as a possibility, too.
You asked how to "help him through it". I suspect only he can tell you
that. Open the lines of communication and see how full disclosure can
make you feel closer. By being authentic and honest about your concerns,
your feelings and your commitment to a breakthrough you can invite him
to share what's going on for him and how best you can help.
It's important to know if you are both growing this relationship in the
same direction. I would be happy to offer you a Relationship Road Map
call, a free 1 hour coaching call to help you create a map towards your
goal. You can register for the call at
RelationshipRoadMapCall.com.
Warmly,
Elaina McMillan, CHt.
Hypnotica-Love.com
SexAndIntimacyShow.com
RelationshipRoadMapCall.com
