Are you sabotaging your relationship?

Anger is just an emotion. It feels bad, but it is not bad. What we do with our anger is what either works for us or gets us in trouble.  We can be angry with someone

and still love him or her.

Yvonne Sinclair, MA

Sex is boring if it is cut off from emotional connec­tion.  But if you are emo­tionally involved, sex is play and passion with a hundred dimensions.

Psychology Today, J/F 2009

Vivian Greene

Pain and relationship prob­lems come from trying to control that which you cannot control.  Letting go of trying to control others and outcomes and instead learning how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and wellbeing will bring about loving relation­ships.

Unknown

Your life and relationships will greatly improve when you are conscious enough to stop thoughts of self-judgment and judgment of others, and instead focus on kindness toward your­self and others.

Unknown

'Don't rock the boat'
does not
'Keep the peace'

Pam Babbitt, Sex and Relationship Coach

 Meet Bob and Carol

Carol has shared with Bob again about her new co-worker, aka Matt McDreamy.

Carol: You seem irritated. Why?

Bob: Oh, no I’m not.

Bob chooses to deny his irritation. He believes that by not making an issue out of everything, he and Carol will have a good relation­ship. He takes pride in his ability to not ‘rock the boat.’ But when Bob isn't real with his feelings, his heart becomes inaccessible. Bob has just added another brick to that wall be­tween him and Carol.

Carol is wary of Bob. She knows that he is not being authentic, that he is withholding. She is now wondering how genuine he is at other times – like when he says he loves her. She wants very much to connect with his heart, but she can't find it. The only thing she is sure of is: Bob does not want to talk about it. So, she stifles her emotions and feels disconnected from Bob. Carol has added her own brick to the wall.


 Meet Ted and Alice

Ted: You seem angry. What’s up?

Alice: You bet I am! When you make all the decisions about our social life, I feel discounted – as though my needs don’t matter. I want to be an equal in our relationship and sometimes it doesn’t feel as though there’s room for that.

Ted: Thanks for letting me know. I can hear your irritation. How about we talk it over later? Our social calendar does get a little crazy sometimes – maybe we can find a way to plan that works for both of us. And...you DO matter.

Alice: Thanks, I appreciate that. I’m in the mood for a movie and pizza tonight…and maybe a ‘backrub.’ How about you? No bricks, no wall, more fun, more intimacy.

Ted and Alice communicate effectively – they speak their truths and offer the other a safe (non-judgmental) space to share, and they are open to negotiation. With practice, they’ve be­come able to move through their issues quickly.

 DON'T ROCK THE BOAT does not KEEP THE PEACE

Instead, it creates an atmosphere of distrust and apprehension. It does not help couples avoid conflict, but rather it prevents the conflict from rising to the surface where it can be real, dealt with, and released.

'Conflict' is not a dirty word - it's comes with being human and in relationship. But if you and your partner avoid conflict, it will bring in a negative, destructive element. When conflict is dealt with skillfully, it opens the door for a loving, healing, and juicy relationship.

Need some help learning how to handle conflict? Just give me a call (888.719.7119) or an email to discuss how I can help. I of­fer phone as well as in-person sessions in Boulder/Denver, CO.

Pam Babbitt, Editor
Sex & Relationship Coach

Poem To My Voice

If the depth of my feelings

Matched the depth of my voice

If I remember the knowledge

Of sound pure and full,

If I stay connected to

My breath and stand tall

If I keep my channels open,

Will I still be a woman?

Adrienne Cugini