Do you believe that you need a partner to be happy? My client,
Adrienne, an attractive woman in her 50’s, has been married and
divorced twice. She was unhappy in both marriages, but she still
believes that she needs a partner to be happy. This belief
continually leads her into inappropriate relationships with men who
initially come on strong, only to turn out to be emotionally needy,
just like her.
The problem is we attract people at our common level of woundedness
and our common level of health. Because Adrienne had never learned
to take loving care of her self, she generally met men who were not
taking care of themselves. When she finally did meet a man who was
taking personal emotional responsibility, the relationship was
short-lived. He soon lost interest in a woman who wanted him to make
her happy.
As Adrienne and I
worked together, it became apparent that she had spent her whole
life taking emotionally responsibility for others – her parents, her
children, and her partners. In her belief system, she was supposed
to make others happy and they were supposed to make her happy. But
it never seemed to work out that way – she never felt happy.
Adrienne also
believed that taking care of her self was selfish rather than
self-responsible. She feared that if she did what she wanted to do,
instead of what everyone else wanted her to do, the people around
her would be mad at her. As we worked together, it became apparent
to Adrienne that her unhappiness was not because she didn’t have a
partner but because she was not taking responsibility for herself.
She was not speaking up for herself at work or with the men she
dated, instead allowing people to walk all over her. She realized
that in constantly trying to have control over people not getting
angry with her, she was abandoning herself. It was her
self-abandonment that was causing her so much pain and feelings of
aloneness.
As Adrienne began
to take better care of her self, she started to feel better. But she
still felt that there was a hole in her life. She wanted a partner
for companionship – to have dinner with, to go to a movie with, to
travel with and play with.
“Adrienne,” I
said to her, “I understand that you would love to have a partner to
do things with. But why can’t you do these things with friends? I’m
not saying to stop being open to finding a partner, but meanwhile,
why not do these things with friends?”
“I don’t have
friends,” she replied. “I have been so busy trying to find a partner
that I haven’t taken any time to develop friendships. When I don’t
have a date, I tend to isolate.”
“How do you feel
when you isolate?”
“I feel sad and
lonely. That’s why I think I need a partner to be happy. It just
hasn’t occurred to me that I could be doing fun things with
friends.”
“So, this is a
major way that you have not been taking care of yourself. You have
been allowing yourself to feel sad and lonely rather than taking
care of yourself by developing friendships. Would you be willing to
put yourself in places where you might meet people and to reach out
for friendship?”
Adrienne agreed
that she would do this. The next week in our phone session, she
sounded much better. She had met an interesting woman at her
daughter’s soccer game and they had plans to meet for lunch.
As Adrienne
devoted herself to developing close friendships, she stopped feeling
sad and lonely. As a happier woman, she started meeting happier men.
The last time I spoke with her, she was dating a man she really
liked. And she was keeping up her friendships, determined to not
make this man responsible for her happiness.
Margaret Paul, PhD. is the author of Do I Have To Give Up
Me To Be Loved By You.
