From the Editor
In my opinion...
When it comes
to sex and love, it seems that most folks have clear, strong
opinions. And isn't it amazing how often those opinions morph
into contrasting opinions when there is a change in life circumstances. Personally, my opinions have morphed a lot -
when it comes to sex. Back
when, I was a traditional wife, mother, and housekeeper. Now I
am a sex coach and bliss advocate (among other things). I love
being 'out there' and I'm grateful for the morphing.
I love opinions
- all kinds of opinions. Opinions that support my opinion,
opinions that challenge me to consider other opinions, opinions
that are contrasting to mine, and even opinions that conflict
with mine.
At times I
remind myself that if I walked in another's shoes, experienced
their life experiences, I would probably have that same
opinion. It works for me almost every time.
I appreciate
that Judy has shared her opinion (and expertise) regarding the
tie between love and sex (right).
Do you have an
opinion? I hope so. Whenever someone shares an opinion, there
is an inherent nudge to clarify your own. What a gift!
Pam Babbitt, Editor
Sex Coach 
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Relationship Articles
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Are love and sex synonymous?
For many generations, our culture, training and
programming have
been highlighted by a belief system, which promotes the notion
that sharing a sexual experience is, or should be, related to
love and/or marriage. In order to have sex we must first have
love. We are programmed to understand that sex is a direct
result of love. From the beginnings of Christianity we have been
taught that sex is a privilege to be shared only in marriage.
Although we have outgrown most of those old teachings, some of
their negative affects remain.
Women still expect that love and sex are entwined and find
themselves disappointed and even devastated when faced with the
realities of the dreaded ‘one night stand’. They feel used and
cheapened if their efforts warrant merely a night of sexual
pleasure. Men are chastised for their insensitive perceptions
and nonchalant sexual conduct. Although we are more open with
our sexuality and experience it more freely, without the benefit
of a marriage ceremony or contract, we have yet to move past the
expectations of a union between the two.
 Does sex equal love? Does having sex with someone automatically
create attachments? The fact is that men have had the right idea
all along. Love is love and sex is sex and they do not come as a
package deal. Love is not an automatic response or reaction to
sharing intimacy nor is it a prerequisite to seeking sexual
gratification. If we are fortunate, we find both in the same
partner and most of us strive to meet that end.
Sex does often create feelings and emotions even to the point of
creating a bond. But is it love or simply a tentative connection
or intoxication created by the sensations of the moment? More
often than not we experience sexual highs, a euphoria that is
more powerful than any of the most potent drugs. However, just
as the affects of a drug will wear off in its time, so too will
the affects of our euphoric state.
The ecstasy created by our sexual experiences can become
addicting. It can present a need and craving which we assume are
for the one who created them. What we actually crave are the
feelings and sensations of bliss, which were merely directed by
our partner and can mirror love. The letdown that comes with the
realization that we have been duped by transient passion can be
quite painful and a huge blow to the ego.
Separating love from sexual enchantment is not always an easy
task. We must begin by realizing and accepting the truths of
human nature. Sex is a major part of our essence and our needs
are normal, with or without love attached. It is a normal human
response and without guilt to guide us, the task of separating
love and sex becomes easier and less devastating to the psyche.
We must step away from our psychological need and assess the
conditions and circumstances from a realistic vantage point. Any
relationship or marriage based in sex will have a very short
life span. We need to question what lies past the fabulous sex.
What does this person ultimately have to offer us and what could
we offer him/her beyond the grand sexual experiences? Is that
all there is and is it enough?
In our quest to find love and the ideal life partner we must
remain aware of life’s realities. The first of those being that
love is love and sex is sex. There is no magical formula or
potion, which will automatically unite them. It is to our
advantage to keep the two separate until we are certain a union
is warranted. Forgo the shame and guilt if the perfect mix does
not come with the first attempts and learn to find the positives
in the experiences in between.
Inner Voyages © 2008
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"Love attracts. Cohesion, adhesion,
gravity, magnetism...all are things we call laws of nature that are
really just different expressions of love flowing, in finer, purer
and purer expressions. But always it flows. When it ceases to move,
or when it gets cut off at the center that it springs from, then we
start taking on things like possessiveness, or jealousy, or fear of
loss... the better we get at giving away the thing we love the most,
the more we get of it." - Julia
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