I had a conversation with a friend who felt caught in a common
dilemma around dating. She is seeking connection with someone who
can really meet her in terms of depth of caring, breadth of awareness, and a fundamental gratitude for life on this planet. And
yet she feels like she must constantly “settle” for less in order to
simply explore any form of connection with others.
It almost feels like a choice between two unsavory options: “be a
picky, elitist, and lonely nun” or “toss it all for a warm body who
has to pay attention to me, at least for a little while.”
This got me to thinking about that
fine line between remaining open to possibility … and opening
oneself to “every disappointment that comes my way.” How do I
manage to remain courageously in the mix of life, while maintaining
my own sense of identity, priority, and boundary?
Whether seeking a personal relationship or a professional one, the
challenge is the same: How do I maintain high standards in terms of
what I want without preempting possibility and ultimately creating a
situation where I have to settle for less than I really want?
I’ve come up with one possible way of looking at this.
Basically, the invitation is to go out and play – to hold my process
lightly, with a gracious and grateful heart for whatever I
encounter. This does not mean I welcome into my deepest, most
intimate recesses any old person/energy that shows up. Rather, I
engage with Life’s raucous diversity at a level in which we all can
meet and play, unconcerned about getting “needs met” or “meeting
basic criteria for relating.” I keep my heart and my senses open,
feeling the energies that underlie all the appearances involved.
This is the openness
Life calls for -
Show up. Be available. Suspend judgment.
And of course, Life also calls for discernment! Not judgment
(labeling as good/bad or right/wrong), but discernment – noticing
that which is appropriate and congruent for my sense of wholeness,
and that which is not. If a specific, intriguing energy begins to
clarify and individuate itself, an energy that invites further
inquiry, this is something my heart will discern far more accurately
than the eye, the ear, or the brain. I believe these physical bits
are all there to provide input for my heart’s wisdom to process.
The problem is, I tend to carry my “yearnings” around
in my brain – where the ego very studiously
works to satisfy them.
(My ego has a very difficult time with any unresolved tension or
paradox.) As soon as my brain gets a few hopeful signals, it acts
like it has the power of discernment, and puts into motion all
manner of rationalization and manipulation, trying to prove that
it knows how to do this: how to manifest, how to fulfill…
The heart never really gets a chance until after the fact. And
that’s when its own, unique discernment usually discovers the
critical gaps in the mind’s decision … and the ego mind gets to play
out, once again, the experience of being disappointed or frustrated
again. Not taking responsibility for the fact that I am the one,
myself, who created the conditions for this very experience. The ego
would rather have the illusion of control and be proven flawed than
to surrender that illusion and let Life fill in the gaps.
So at the point at which the heart begins to discern a potentiality,
this is when my core needs can begin to express themselves. Not by
slamming the door on alternative possibilities, but by setting the
context within which serendipity can express itself in a manner of
interest and appropriateness to me. At this point, my own clarity
will either attract or repel correspondent energies.
If I am in a “Oh
what the heck, I’ll never get what I really want” frame of mind,
this is settling! This is where I get to prove myself right by
letting my brain define the landscape of potentiality.
If, on the other hand, I am able to stop, notice the potentials,
then quietly assert my petitions, my prayers for what I really need,
this is where Life gets to answer with impeccable precision and
innate wisdom. I may not recognize it at the time, but my heart will
know the difference between getting what I think I want … and
getting what I really want.
If I continue to greet life with self-awareness and compassion,
there is no settling … only pioneering!
