Verbal Abuse, Emotional Abuse
Overt and Covert
Our society is filled with verbal and emotional abuse,
from radio and TV commentators and presidential candidates, to parents,
educators, employers and managers. As Patricia Evans states in "The
Verbally Abusive Relationship," the old adage, "Sticks and stones can
break my bones but words will never hurt me," is not at all true. Just
as physical abuse is wounding the to body, verbal abuse is deeply
wounding to the soul.
If you grew up in a verbally and/or emotionally abusive family, you
might not realize when you are being abusive and when you are being
abused.
Behind verbal and emotional abuse is always about a desire to control
the other person - to have power over the other's feelings and actions.
Verbal
abuse includes:
Verbal abuse is also emotionally abusive, but emotional abuse may not
look verbally abusive. Often emotional abuse is more subtle and covert
than overt verbal abuse.
Emotional abuse includes:
It is vitally important for people at the other end of verbal or
emotional abuse to understand that
YOU DO NOT CAUSE AN ABUSER
TO BE ABUSIVE
and that there is no excuse or
justification for any form of abuse.
Once you understand that you do not cause abusers to be abusive, perhaps
you can also understand that there is nothing you can do to have control
over getting an abuser to see or understand what he or she is doing, or
how hurtful it is to you, or to understand your point of view. There is
no way of having a rational discussion because, when someone is deeply
attached to having power and control over another, they don't WANT to
understand or work it out.
Abuse comes from feeling very powerless, from not being able to handle
fear, loneliness, heartache, and helplessness over others. Abusers want
to have control over getting others to do what they want so they don't
have to feel their painful feelings. Trying to talk things out is often
the last thing they want to do. They just want to win - to have their
way. However, there are things you can do to not be a victim of verbally
abusive behavior. (Physical abuse is another matter. It is imperative to
find a way to leave a relationship that is physically dangerous to you
or your children.)
Patricia Evans, in the above-mentioned book, states that what abusers
really want is connection. Because they are so disconnected from
themselves - from their own feelings and from a spiritual source of
comfort and guidance - they are desperate to connect with another
person. But for them connection is more like ownership, rather than
authentic connection based on mutuality and caring. When you engage with
an abuser through explaining, defending, trying to understand, or
complying, you are giving the abuser what he or she wants - some level
of connection. It's important to recognize that, while you are never
causing an abuser to abuse, you might be feeding the abuse with your
response.
If you are in a relationship with a verbal/emotional abuser and you are
not ready to leave the relationship, you might want to try NOT
connecting at ALL with the abuser when there is any level of abuse. By
completely disengaging from any abusive interaction, or at the most
saying an incredulous, "What?" (which Evans recommends in "Controlling
People") and then disengaging by singing a "happy song" (a simple song
that you sing in your mind to stop thinking about the interaction), you
might have a chance of stopping the cycle of abuse.
The challenge in taking this action in your own behalf is to learn to
disengage both physically and energetically - which is why singing your
happy song is so important. Singing moves you out of your programmed
reactive left-brain wounded self and into your spiritually-connected
right-brain, energetically stopping your engagement in the interaction.
While disengaging in this way doesn't guarantee that your relationship
will heal, it may be the only possibility you have other than leaving.
Perhaps it worth a try!
Margaret Paul, PhD.
is the author of Do I Have To Give
Up Me To Be Loved By You?
