5 Ways To Improve a
Relationship - Today
1.
Slow down
When you feel yourself getting angry or going into
reactive energy slow yourself down and begin to get curious and to
explore what is going on for you. Is your reaction actually about what
is going on in the moment or is this situation actually reminding you of
something from your past, for instance, how you were treated by a former
partner, or how you were treated by your parents or primary caregivers.
Once you have taken your time to see more clearly what is happening, if
necessary, respond and communicate from this place.
2. Communicate clearly
Don’t expect your partner to be a
mind reader. Our culture has brainwashed us into believing that love
means that our intimate partners always know what we need without us
having to express anything. I’m sure you’ve heard people say things, at
the beginning of relationships, such as: “he just knew what I was
feeling, I didn’t have to ask, she just understands me without me ever
having to explain myself.” Although, there is some truth in these
statements, at some time in most relationships, there is a need to
communicate one’s needs and not take it for granted that our partner “just knows.” Clear communication and the necessity to express
one’s needs do not mean that you are no longer in love; it means that
you are really beginning to trust yourself and your partner.
3. Create space
Contact
and Withdrawal: all healthy relationships require that there be both
togetherness and time apart from one another. Once again, we get a lot
of cultural messages that seem to say that love is being together all
the time, which is just a recipe for problems. Being comfortable with
time away from your partner means that you have other relationships,
hobbies, and interests that are independent of him/her. Spending time
away from your partner allows you to bring new vitality and joy into the
relationship.
4. Don’t be blameful
When you
do get upset and need to express what is going on for you, practice
making “I” statements. For instance, instead of saying, “you always
ignore me when I’m talking to you”…you might try “I know that you are
trying to multitask right now and I am feeling sad and wondering if you
could stop what you are doing for a couple of minutes and just sit with
me while we are talking.” Marshall B. Rosenberg elaborates on this kind
of communication which he calls “Nonviolent Communication” (or NVC) in
his book by the same name. He explains that the four components of NVC
are “observation, feeling, needs, and request.”
5. Practice forgiveness & compassion
Relationships can be truly difficult. We are all trying to balance our
relationships with ourselves with all the many relationships outside of
ourselves. Each relationship seems to bring to light different aspects
of ourselves, some of which are joyous and some of which are challenging. We are on a constant learning curve, always bumping
up against where we need to grow. The most powerful relationships are those in
which we can make mistakes and forgive ourselves and our partner(s).
People usually feel that when they are repeating an old pattern that
there is something wrong, however, each repetition is an opportunity to
do something new and to heal old wounds. If you are in a relationship in
which you see a familiar pattern emerging, get curious and creative
about trying out new behaviors.
Allison Weliky, MA, is a
psychotherapist who provides contemplative based counseling services to
clients in the Boulder and Denver areas. Please contact her if you would
like to explore more ways to improve a relationship.
