Ambivalence in Relationships
Ambivalence occurs in
intimate relationships when there is the coexistence of opposing
emotions and desires towards the other that create an uncertainty about
being in the relationship. It is our nature to split our experience into
polarities, such as good/bad, right/wrong and emotions such as
love/hate, joy/sadness. One could say that we constantly deal with the
opposite of our experience even if that is unconscious.
As
we become closer to our beloved and feel connected our experience is
defined by the possibility of separation. Every time we say ‘yes’ there
is a ‘no’ in the background informing our choice. If I am saying ‘yes’
to something wholeheartedly, I can feel that yes in every cell of my
being. ‘No' has been considered and rejected, however fleetingly, and my
‘yes’ has the quality of certainty. If my desire to say ‘no' interferes
with my ‘yes’ it will be said with hesitation and doubt, and a lingering
uneasy feeling that causes me to hold back; I am unable to fully commit
to that yes. So not only does the opposite polarity define my experience
but the degree to which I have integrated it into my consciousness will
also affect my experience.
Ambivalence could be said to occur when we are
stuck between two polarities, and unable to reconcile them... All relationships
contain opposing desires at times; this is the essence of conflict. The
degree to which both ends of any polarity are conscious or hidden will
affect how partners deal with conflict between them. In addition, how
much each individual identifies with one end of the polarity will also
determine the ability to resolve conflict. For example; if I identify
with being kind and cannot tolerate the notion that I can be unkind, the
unkind aspects to my psyche will become unconscious and drain energy
away from my ability to be kind. I will not be fully present or
authentic in my acts of kindness, and in all likelihood project
‘unkindness’ on to my partner. By being rigidly identified with one end
of a polarity and blocking awareness of the intolerable aspect means we
cannot be fully present. If both individuals in a relationship are
identifying their nature in this way, then what they create between them
will also be an inability to tolerate certain experiences and make
resolving conflict difficult.
So if the nature of
ambivalence is the inability to resolve an internal conflict that
results in a lack of presence; a common way of expressing this is
confusion. Ambivalence and confusion can be temporary states in all
relationships, as we take time to resolve opposing or new information.
However, where ambivalence becomes a chronic response to the world,
confusion can become a defensive stance that protects us from being
fully present. Expressing confusion habitually regarding what we want or
need reinforces our sense of helplessness. ‘I don’t know’ does not give
us a sense of mastery over our world, nor does it give our partner
anything to go on. The inability of either partner to move forward in
the relationship, either to leave or to move closer reinforces this
helplessness. This chronic pattern becomes a problem in relationships
by inhibiting deeper intimacy.
A chronic pattern of
ambivalence typically generates a dynamic in
relationships where one
partner is identified as ‘uncommitted’ and
the other as wanting
commitment.
Each partner will develop behaviors around this conflict in
an attempt to pull their partner closer, or push them away. Each partner
is expressing a particular role in the conflict over being in the
relationship or out of it, but essentially both partners are creating
the ambivalent tension between them by being identified with one end of
the polarity.
In other words, if we
were to reduce this to a simple yes and no – the two ends of a polarity
would be, ‘yes I want more with you’ and ‘no I do not want more with
you’. Partners are identified with either yes or no, and between them
creating a stalemate. We can assume from this that both partners have
not resolved their own internal ambivalence as neither of them can
commit themselves to either being in or out of the relationship, and
neither of them in this dynamic are fully engaged with the other. Often
as one moves away the other will express more desire for the
relationship, and the ‘certainty’ expressed by the committed partner is
a desire to hold on in reaction to the greater pulling away of the
other.
Because ambivalence
pulls the individual and the relationship in different directions there
is an atmosphere of uncertainty and unpredictability that creates
instability between the partners. There can be an atmosphere of
impending doom and dissolution of the relationship. Partners often
break up many times, or threaten to break up.
As time goes on the
relationship takes on the characteristics of an
emotional roller
coaster where they alternate between
feeling hopeful and breaking up.
Within this atmosphere, it can be very difficult for both partners to be
themselves, and be open with each other. When faced with the possibility
that it will end at any moment, anything that either of them believes
could cause the relationship to end will be denied or held back. As each
partner withholds aspects of himself or herself from the other, this
creates distance, and thereby increases anxiety over the possibility of
separation. It becomes a vicious circle.
Typically, the partner who expresses commitment
feels hurt and rejected by the other. The feeling that they are not good
enough for the other to fully be with them creates a reaction of trying
to please them, in the hope that they can make their partner desire
them. The partner who carries more uncertainty often feels guilty that
they are not able to give more, and finds it increasingly difficult to
voice their true feelings. They start to dance around each other trying
to anticipate how the other is going
to react to them and hold back their thoughts, feelings or desires if
they think that the other will react badly to them. In this way the
relationship becomes more and more dishonest.
Both partners are in
a relationship that isn’t the way they want it to be, but neither is
able to leave. This is the essence of ambivalence. The preoccupation
with separation, either wanting more separation, or being afraid of
separation from the other, is the foundation of the anxiety that the
relationship sits on. This preoccupation means that each individual
cannot rest in the relationship; it is not a place of sanctuary and
support but a place of deprivation. Even though there may be times where
both partners can have fun and feel connected it is short lived, as both
partners carry an underlying dissatisfaction that doesn’t get resolved.
A lot of time and energy gets taken up dealing with this underlying
anxiety and deprivation.
From this
perspective, the alternative to living with a chronic pattern of
ambivalence would be to resolve internal conflicts that prevent one from
taking action, making decisions, expressing how you feel, and being
fully present. Issues around connection, intimacy and separation are
often at the root of an ambivalent stance. To be fully here is to accept
the fragility and imperfections of life, to go for ‘it’ despite the
possibility it could be gone in the next moment.
Delyse Ledgard,
MA,
provides individual and couples therapy in
Vancouver.
