Control or Kindness?
What
do you see when you look at your partner?
When Carmella looks at
Rudy, she sees his insecurity and withdrawal, which she does not
find attractive. She sees his neediness when he pouts over not
having sex. She sees his lack of motivation – he is not a go-getter.
She sees his growing potbelly, which is the result of a lack of
exercise. As a result of seeing all these “defects,” Carmella is
thinking of leaving Rudy. Instead of feeling loving toward Rudy, she
finds herself being more and more critical of him.
The problem is that Carmella is seeing only Rudy’s outer self and
his ego wounded self – the part of him that comes from fear and
false beliefs. But this is not who Rudy really is.
Carmella fell in love with Rudy because of his sweetness, warmth,
sensitivity, creativity, and sense of humor. Rudy still has all of
these wonderful qualities – they are who he really is. Yet this is
not what Carmella sees now when she looks at Rudy.
Rather than just leave the relationship, Carmella and Rudy sought my
help. It soon became apparent that Carmella’s intention in the
relationship was far more focused on controlling Rudy than on loving
her self and him. Having an innately sensitive nature, Rudy felt
crushed by the criticism and had learned to retreat to protect
himself from the rejection he so often experienced with Carmella. He
loved her very much, but he didn’t feel loved by her. When he tried
to talk with her about it, she just defended herself and attacked
him even more. Over time, he had learned to just withdraw.
Both Carmella and Rudy were
intent on controlling each other rather than being kind and caring
to themselves and each other. Carmella was trying to get Rudy to be
more assertive and motivated with her criticism, while Rudy was try
to have control over how Carmella felt about him by being quiet, and
was trying to control his pain with his withdrawn. Both of their
forms of control were causing problems in the relationship.
“Carmella,” I said to her, “in
any given moment, you have the choice to look at Rudy and see his
wounded self with all his fears and insecurities, or you have the
choice to see his true Self, his essence. Rudy has a beautiful,
sensitive, caring, sweet essence. And he loves you very much. But in
order to fully express himself with you, he needs to be seen and
valued by you for all his wonderful qualities. As Alison Armstrong
states in her wonderful book, “Keys To The Kingdom,” you are turning
a prince into a frog.”
Then I spoke with Rudy. “Rudy, I
really understand that Carmella’s criticism of you feels devastating
to you. But withdrawing is not a loving way of taking care of your
self. Your inner child needs for you to speak up for him. When
Carmella is critical of you, instead of withdrawing, you need to
say something like, ‘This feels terrible. I hate it when you treat
me this way. I hate being criticized by you. I don’t like it when
you try to control me and get me to be the way you think I should
be.’ Carmella is not aware of being so critical, and she is not
aware of the effect her criticism is having on you. You need to be
willing to risk speaking up for yourself rather than withdrawing.”
Both Carmella and Rudy agreed to
practice being kind to them-selves and to each other. Carmella worked
hard to see the Rudy she fell in love with. Rudy started to speak up
for himself when Carmella was critical, and started to feel better
about him self as a result. Through the power of kindness to
themselves and each other, their relationship is healing.
Margaret
Paul, Ph.D. is the author of 'Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You?' If you would like to find more ways to improve a
relationship, visit her at
InnerBonding.com.
