It
amazes me that most people decide to end their marriages without
seeking professional help. The decision of whether to divorce or not
is probably the most important decision anyone will ever make. Yet,
the fact remains that only a minority of people in the throes of
marital problems consult marriage therapists.
Truth be told, seeking
professional advice for your marital problems is no guarantee things
will improve. In fact, many people have told me that their so-called
marriage therapy even made things worse. Most therapists are
well-meaning, but not always qualified to do marital therapy. That's
why I want to offer some guidelines for you to consider should you
seek professional help to improve your marriage.
Make sure your therapist has received specific training and is
experienced in marital therapy. Too often, therapists say they do
couples therapy or marital therapy if they have two people sitting
in the office. This is incorrect. Marital therapy requires very
different skills than doing individual therapy. Individual
therapists usually help people identify and process feelings. They
assist them in achieving personal goals. "How do you feel about
that?" is their mantra.
Couples therapists, on the other hand,
need to be skilled at helping people overcome the differences that
naturally occur when two people live under the same roof. They need
to know what makes a marriage tick. A therapist can be very skilled
as an individual therapist and be clueless about helping couples
change. For this reason, don't be shy. Ask your therapist about his
or her training and experience.
Make sure your therapist is biased in the direction of helping you
find solutions to your marital problems rather than helping you
leave your marriage when things get rocky. Feel free to ask about
the therapist's feelings about the point at which s/he sees divorce
to be a viable alternative. Your therapist's response will be very
revealing.
You should feel comfortable and respected by your therapist. You
should feel that he or she understands your perspective and
feelings. If your therapist sides with you or your spouse, that's
not good. No one should feel ganged up on. If you aren't comfortable
with something your therapist is suggesting - like setting a deadline
to make a decision about your marriage - say so. If your therapist
honors your feedback, that's a good sign. If not, leave.
The therapist's own values about relationships definitely play a
part in what he or she does and is interested in when working with
you. Since there are few universal rules for being and staying in
love, if your therapist insists that there is only one way to have a
successful marriage, find another therapist.
Also, although some people think that their therapist is able to
tell when a person should stop trying to work on their marriage,
therapists really don't have this sort of knowledge. If they say
things like, "It seems that you are incompatible," or "Why are you
willing to put up with this,?" or "It is time to move on with your
life," they are simply laying their own values on you. This is an
unethical act, in my opinion.
Make sure you (and your partner) and your therapist set concrete
goals early on. If you don't, you will probably meet each week with
no clear direction. Once you set goals, you should never lose sight
of them. If you don't begin to see some progress within two or three
sessions, you should address your concern with your therapist.
It's my belief that couples in crisis don't have the luxury to
analyze how they were raised in order to find solutions to their
marital problems. If your therapist is focusing on the past, suggest
a future-orientation. If he or she isn't willing to take your lead,
find a therapist who will.
Know that most marital problems are solvable. Don't let your
therapist tell you that change is impossible. Human beings are
amazing and they are capable of doing great things - especially for
people they love.
Most of all, trust your instincts. If your therapist is helping,
you'll know it. If he or she isn't, you'll know that too. Don't stay
with a therapist who is just helping you tread water. Find one who
will help you swim.
Finally, the best way to find a good therapist is word-of-mouth.
Satisfied customers say a lot about the kind of therapy you will
receive. Although you might feel embarrassed to ask friends or
family for a referral, you should consider doing it anyway. It
increases the odds you'll find a therapist who will really help you
and your spouse.
So don't give up on therapy, give up on bad therapy. You be the
judge. There's a lot to be gained from seeking the advice of a third
party who can help you find simple solutions to life's complicated
problems. Happy divorce busting!
Bestselling author and Today show and Oprah regular Michele Weiner-Davis, is no stranger to private marital matters. Weiner Davis, a
clinical social worker, has been working closely with couples —
those on the brink of divorce or otherwise in crisis — for more than
20 years. She's collected some of her wisdom in her new book, The
Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire (Simon &
Schuster), another intimate "brown paper bag" title, as she jokingly
calls it (others include Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved
Marriage).
You may visit Michele at
DivorceBusting.com.
