"True listening is another way of bringing stillness into the
relationship. When you truly listen to someone, the dimension of
stillness arises and becomes an essential part of the
relationship. But true listening is a rare skill. Usually, the
greater part of a person’s attention is taken up by their thinking.
At best, they may be evaluating your words or preparing the next
thing to say. Or they may not be listening at all, and lost in their own
thoughts.
True listening goes far beyond auditory perception. It is the
arising of alert attention, a space of presence in which the words
are being received. The words now become secondary. They may be
meaningful or they may not make sense.
Far more
important than what you are listening to is the act
of listening
itself,
the
space of conscious pre listen. That space
is a unifying field of awareness in which you meet the other person
without the separative barriers created by conceptual
thinking. And now the other person is no longer 'other.' In that
space, you are joined together as one awareness, one consciousness."
As a couples
therapist, I don't always give relationship advice. In fact, at its
core, therapy is a practice of listening and “presence." Often, just
the understanding ear of a psychotherapist can be soothing to
clients who are experiencing stress. As a result, learning how to
listen is a requirement for any effective psychother-apist. Ever cry
your heart out to a good friend, and afterwards felt much better
even though they may have said very little or anything at all? The
reason you felt relieved is because it works wonders.
Unfortunately, we live in a society of "rugged individualism" where
many like to be the center of attention, to publicly and
unashamedly speak of their problems but rarely caring about the
needs of others. (Conflict-driven Reality television and TV talk
shows are perfect examples of this.) As a long-time couples and
marriage therapist I've seen how a basic inability to listen to
ones' partner can spell doom for a relationship. Indeed, learning
how to listen to your mate is a fundamental part of any successful
union.
The good news is that learning to listen is easy! First, pay
attention to your partner. When communicating with someone, directly
face them in order to show interest. In fact, by showering your
undivided attention upon your partner you show that you value them
in a way that few others have.
Maintain eye contact. Your body posture should indicate that not
only is your partner important to you, but that they are, at that
moment, the only person in the world that matters. Sit down next to
them if they're sitting, don't stand.
In addition, remain cognizant of non-verbal behavior. In fact, 90%
of communication is non-verbal, so be aware of changing facial
expressions such as frowns, a raised eyebrow, or oncoming tears.
Importantly, if you don't bother to notice any of those things then
you are missing what is TRULY being said! Remember, take it slow.
Don't rush through conversations just to get back to doing something
else. Turn off all distractions such as the television or radio. Try
helping your partner to further elaborate by asking open-ended
questions in order to gain more information, and closed-ended
questions to increase clarification.
Finally, one important piece of relationship advice: Don't become
defensive. If your knee jerk reaction is to get defensive when
someone criticizes you, this will greatly hinder your ability to
truly hear what your partner is saying.
In conclusion, you have been equipped with some tools and techniques
that will enable you to better communicate with your partner.
Learning to listen is a skill that takes a little time to master,
but try it and I promise you'll see positive results!
"The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to
listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give
each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more
power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words."
"Anger is just an emotion. It feels bad,
but it is not bad. What we do
with our anger is what either works
for us or gets us in trouble. We
can be angry with someone and
still love him or her."
Yvonne Sinclair, MA
"Intuition is...really a sudden immer-sion of the soul into the
universal current of life, where the histories of all people are
connected, and we are able to know everything, because it's all
written there."
