A Beginner’s Guide to Radical Honesty
Stephanie Roth
Honesty matters. Most of us think we’re honest, but in reality, we
lie all the time. To whom do you think you lie
the most? Your boss? Your significant other? Your kids? Yourself?
I imagine that I lie to myself the
most. I tell myself I’m going to finish a project by a certain time, and then I write email or put
the dishes away, or read the newspaper. I tell myself I won’t go to
bed without going to the gym or for a walk. Then when I crawl into
bed at 2 AM I wonder why I couldn’t have taken 10 minutes to walk
around the block.
That’s not lying, you might be thinking. Lying is when you say
something untruthful, with the intent to deceive.
Since 1998 I’ve been studying the concept of
Radical Honesty as presented by Brad Blanton, Ph.D., in his books, Radical Honesty: How
to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth;
Practicing Radical
Honesty: How
to Complete the Past, Live in the Present and Build a
Future with a Little Help from Your Friends; Radical Parenting:
Seven Steps to a Functional Family in a Dysfunctional World, and
others.
After many years of studying this Radical Honesty stuff, I’m just
now getting used to saying to someone, “What you just said made me
uncomfortable,” or, to use Brad’s preferred wording, “I resent you
for
what you just said.”
It used to be much easier for me to stuff those feelings,
to sweep
the words under the rug, to justify to myself why I shouldn’t react
to them, or to simply put those feelings in a mental backpack to be
dumped out later—often months later—in anger or hysteria. As I
become more adept at noticing those feelings in my body, it becomes
harder and harder to stuff or repress them. Now I am aware that the
pain of not speaking my truth is far greater than the momentary fear
that comes from taking a deep breath and speaking. It gets easier
every time I do it, which helps me encourage others in my life to be
honest with me, and to risk speaking my truth to more people outside
my comfort zone.
After my first Radical Honesty 8-day workshop, my former husband
asked me, “Is everyone in those workshops as big a liar as you are?”
I responded that of course they are—why else would they be IN the
workshop? And so are you, and so is nearly everyone else. The
difference is that the people studying Radical Honesty are willing
to notice when they lie, which can lead to a change in their
behavior and a commitment to lead a more honest life.
We mostly lie by withholding information (“Oh, I forgot to tell you,
I’ve been having an affair with your best friend”), and by saying
something we don’t really mean (“Of course that dress doesn’t make
you look fat, dear,” which really means, “Why do you ask me that
when you don’t want to know the answer anyway?”).
Think about it. When you ask your mate, “What’s wrong?” and she
says, “Nothing,” she’s lying. Do you believe her? You can tell by
her body language, her tone of voice, and the tears in her eyes that
she’s lying. Or, you ask him, “What’s wrong?” and he glares at you,
or says, “Nothing,” but he’s not looking at you and you know he’s on
another planet emotionally.
How many times a day when someone asks us a question—whether it’s
“How are you?” or “What’s wrong?” or “Are you mad at me?”— do we
respond with “OK” or “nothing” or “of course not,” when the truth
would be “I’m scared to death” or “What you said really pissed me
off” or “Yes, I’m really mad at you.” Do you think that’s not really
lying? What is it? Why are you afraid to use the real word? Does
sugar-coating it really make you feel better, or hurt less?
If you want to bring more honesty into your life, even if you aren't
ready to be Radical, here are some coaching challenges for you:
|
1. |
Notice what your body
feels like when you aren't telling the complete truth. |
|
2. |
Notice when your
intuition says, "you left something out" or "you are
afraid to tell that person what you are really thinking
or feeling. |
|
3. |
Notice when your partner
says something that you react to, don't like, take issue
with, or even resent. You will know because you'll get
some sort of icky feeling in your body. |
|
4. |
Notice what you do:
Do you respond? Do you reach for chocolate?
Do you say nasty things about that person to yourself or
under your breath? Do you call a friend and tell
her about it? Do you go for a bicycle ride or a
run? |
I’d love to know what you come up with – please feel free to email
me your thoughts and feelings and what came up for you while reading
or when you accepted the coaching challenges.
