The Welcoming Congregational process has raised awareness within our congregations of the need to display inclusiveness in our relating. Indeed this has occurred. Gays, lesbians, and transgendered people experience a greater degree of acceptance in our ranks.
However, bisexuals and those who chose polyamory
have yet to find a receptive environment in our congregations. One
congregant was heard to say, “I will vote in favor of the welcoming congregation,
but when it comes to the bisexuals, I will say ‘no.’ Fear
is most likely behind this statement, because bisexuality and polyamory
challenge our basic premise of monogamy. This article will address the
monogamy premise and challenge the deeper issues of relating often not
addressed in the monogamy/non-monogamy tension.
Polyamory is approached
as a healthy alternative.
Throughout history couples have polarized around the issues of monogamy and non-monogamy. When individuals in our culture choose a mate there is generally an implicit presumption that their relationship is monogamous and that they will “live happily ever after.” We know this is a myth and the reality is that extra marital affairs occur with some frequency for both sexes. Most experts agree with the “educated guess of sex researchers G.D. Nass, R.W. Libby and M.P. Fisher that 50 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become extramaritally involved by age forty. (Scarf, Intimate Partners, p. 128) More-over, the monogamy/non-monogamy struggle itself is the precipitant of many separations and divorces. Scarf puts it this way, “It (the affair) is the death of that marriage’s innocence, the death of trust, the death of a naïve understanding of what the relationship itself is all about.” (p.128) So, what more do we need to understand to bring meaning to this painful cultural dilemma? I contend that the core issue for couples to face is not whether they chose monogamy or non-monogamy, rather that they chose a way of relating to one another, which includes acceptance, a non-judgmental stance toward each other, honesty, freedom, integrity, and an intention to create intimacy and expanded sexuality. This is a tall order in a society where people want to control their partners in ways that are considered “right” by their standards. Thus, it is often the case that by the time an affair has occurred in a relationship the intimacy in the couple’s relationship is out of balance, honesty and acceptance are in serious question, and barriers of confusion and unshared feelings have taken their toll. Intimacy in this perspective is understood as mutually sharing vulnerabilities and accepted of each other.
When talking about fears, sexual requests, and
desires are out of the question, one partner often feels powerless and
alienated. It is then that, “the extramarital affair develops as a way
of finding a comforter and ally.” (Scarf, p.133) Once the affair becomes
known deceit, mistrust, anger, fear, and pain are among the many issues
the struggling couple face. The challenge each couple must squarely
address is: how do we regain the love and passion we once knew and
shared? The tragedy in these cases is that society (including
therapists) makes judgments that there is a villain and a victim, an affaired and an
affairee. Is one person right and the other wrong? Does
making love to another person constitute grounds for destroying lives?
The truth of the matter is that both people in the relationship have
contributed to the precipitating events or the affair and the resulting
feelings. Granted, this is usually impossible for the person feeling the
pain to acknowledge. Unless both people can acknowledge their individual
responsibility for what has occurred, they will remain undifferentiated
as individuals and fused as a couple.
The dominant thinking in our culture is that
commitment in a relationship is primary. We teach people to believe
that committing themselves to another person is necessary to sustain
the relationship. To do this means that one person in the relationship focuses their attention on the other person and his or her needs, neglecting one’s own needs and desires. Fusion and stuckness result, creating considerable confusion with couples. Each begins to question their ability to function clearly and begin to doubt who they are in the relationship. Therefore, I believe it is essential for each individual to commit to his or her own journey. We need to know where we are going before we attempt to include another person in our life.
As Sam Keen writes in his best selling book
Fire
in the Belly, his friend Howard Thurman tells him, there are two
questions a man (person) must ask: The first is ‘Where am I going?’ and
the second is ‘Who will go with me?' If you ever get these questions in
the wrong order you are in trouble. These are words truly spoken, and
many people have reversed these questions with tragic results.
When we
are clear about our own journey, we are freer to make clearer choices
and open ourselves to another person, joining them on their journey in a
way that enables both people to grow and expand. With this kind of clarity, a couple is empowered to mutually create three essential ingredients in any relationship where intimacy prevails. These three ingredients are: friendship, mutual respect, and passion. When these three are not given priority the seeds for affairs are planted. | |||||||||||
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