Infidelity vs. Out-Fidelity
Tammy Nelson, MS ATR LADC LPC
Infidelity is a hot topic in our society.
Affairs are
rampant.
In marriages, infidelity statistics are hard to quantify, since
research is based on the need for people to be honest, and the nature
of affairs is that they are based on secrets.
Ten years ago, the statistics from the Associated Press told us that 22
percent of married men have strayed at least once during their marriage
and 14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once.
70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know
of their spouses' extramarital activity. And yet, when polled 90 percent
of Americans believed adultery is morally wrong. (Source: Associated
Press)
In 2003,
Peggy Vaughan,
author of The Monogamy Myth, (first published in 1989) said that "Most
experts do consider the 'educated guess' that at the present time some
50 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become extramaritally involved by the age of 40..."
We also know that 17 percent of divorces in the United States are caused
by infidelity. Assume that number is low as well.
Is infidelity the "natural state of affairs" for relationships? Are we
even meant to be monogamous? Is marriage a trap that pushes us toward
extramarital sexual experiences?
And what is it about affairs that tear us apart?
In the new millennium, there is a phenomenon developing in relationships
we refer to as "open marriage" or "polyamory."
I lump these ideas together into a concept I term "OUT-fidelity."
Out-fidelity means that the infidelity is spoken about, talked about and
perhaps agreed upon within the partnership. It means that fidelity is
negotiated, and the rules of marriage or committed partnership are
agreed upon by the couple, and not by the standards of society or even
by the law.
Our ethical and moral codes vary by state, by culture and by family
experience. We all tolerate fidelity differently. And couples are
beginning to explore fidelity in new ways.
This idea of being "out" about affairs opens new doors. If you are "out"
about a sexual relationship with someone outside of your marriage, is it
still an affair? And does it have the same impact on the partnership?
Is the secret what creates the damage?
Are we mostly hurt by what is
hidden
and not spoken about?
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