You think that the term
sexless is so yesterday’s news? Think, again!
Is the clock ticking so loudly you can’t
stand the sound? Not the biological clock (think, baby) but the
timekeeping device stuck on the last time you and your little honey
actually had sex. Doing the nasty. Hide the salami. The whole enchilada,
with trimmings. And I’m not talking a one-minute wonder ride, either.
What is a sexless marriage?
I know. You think this is about OTHER
people. Well, if I read the statistics clearly, it’s almost impossible
not to be in this club or wonder if you’re next. That means there’s
trouble in the boudoir and here’s how to get you out of it.
How big is this sexless marriage club anyway?
According to staggering stats in
both USA Today as early as 2002 and a follow-up full cover feature story
in TIME to make it even more poignant, America’s sex life’s not exactly
a day at the beach. Not even close! Are you sitting down yet? Yes, 20%
of all marriages in the US or 40 million people were living in a sexless
marriage in 2002 and those numbers have grown. That translates as “not
getting any” for a whole lotta’ folks. Well, actually this new “term”
means having penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex no more than SIX times yearly.
Not exactly the type of scorecard you long for, right? If this is you,
it’s time to give her a break, give yourself a break, and break your
sexless patterns; in any other language: Do something!
What are some things you can do about
your sexless marriage?
I always coach that doing
something, anything, can be good just to break a bad habit or a pattern
that has you trapped. You probably know that old adage: What is a
definition of insanity? It’s doing the same thing and expecting
different results. So, if you think that you can get away with doing the
same old thing and get more action between the sheets anytime soon, no
way. I’m not saying that your sexless condition is being triggered by
neglect. But it may be time to break some of your bad habits that are
contributing to the absence of anything that looks, tastes, smells or
feels like a distant cousin to S-E-X.
What bad habits may be
shutting down your chances for more than an air kiss g’nite?
You have totally forgotten
about your formerly handsome, fit, tanned bod and good grooming
skills. Jagged nails, bad breath, a flabby middle where the six-pack
abs used to scream out; all the physical things that make you sexy
are long gone.
You have long stopped paying the
attention to the little woman, the way you used to fawn over her
when she was your sweetheart. The last note you left for her was to
pick up your stepson or the dry cleaning. The last time you picked
up anything from the floor was when you were a freshman in college.
The idea of picking up her tab at dinner out might make her think
you took out a mistress the night before and this is your way of
assuaging your guilt. The last time you gave her a compliment about
how she looked was “Wow. You look great in that wedding gown…”
You’re not that great in bed. You’ve
forgotten so much about what sex was like, you can’t even remember
whether it’s a “G” or a “Gee-not now” spot. When you last focused on
the build up of sexual charge before the great release was in the
shower alone or cruising the Internet after that 2 AM snack. To you,
an arousing invitation sounds like, “spread ‘em, bitch!” It’s the
same style of invitation for which she’d tell you that you don’t
know squat about foreplay, wouldn’t she? Your three best friends are
Cialis, Levitra and Viagra and they haven’t met the wife yet.
Your relationship skills are in the
toilet. Repressed anger, drinking problems, a history of going out
with the guys and coming home without any zip. Whatever it is that’s
got you hot under the collar instead of your zipper (or hers), own
it. The issues need to be addressed and healed. If you cannot do it
on your own, get real about it and find help.
So, what about them?
Nasty habits can make a huge
difference in whether you are having anything reminiscent of sexual
encounters. After time, lousy sex, an unattractive partner, or an angry
relationship leaves one or both of you empty of sexual interest. You may
not want to bother to do it again. Believe it or not, some women (and
men) figure that if it’s unfulfilling sex, why bother? (That’s where a
sex coach comes in. Help is on the way!) Or she may be bearing the
burden of unrequited pleasuring or a nagging sense of resentment, along
with tolerating your ignorance about the right buttons for you to push
to make sex a highly anticipated treat on both of your daily to-do
lists.
What you can do to
eliminate the rampant “virus” of sexlessness?
1)
Set a clear intention:
Try having a new attitude. Instead of “Why bother?” shift to a “Let’s
make this work, babe…” approach. Be sure to send signals or talk about
it out in the open to be clear this is your heartfelt intention. Then,
mean it. This is one area where show not tell really gets you points.
2) What about foreplay?
This may be the one word that makes you feel like clutching that white
paper bag in the airplane seat in front of yours. But, wait! Foreplay
trouble can mean a lot of things, like not kissing her enough, or
rushing in between her legs when she needs to hear you in between her
face (we call those things her ears.) Or never seeing those red roses
arrive on the doorstep before you ask her to remove her panties.
Whatever it used to be that got her heart open for your romantic
advances, it’s time to think back to the first round of dating and
loving her up. Then get into retro mode.
3) Start touching again.
Here comes the real rant. I can’t help it. I’ve written two books
(especially The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Sensual Touch, your personal
touch instruction guide, dude) with the Touch Continuum right there
staring you in the face. There are five levels of touch. And, guys, let
me tell you that women are not going to respond to your touching them
for affection (level 2) if they think you are pressuring them into sex
(level 5). And, vice versa for those of you whose babes are putting you
in a mental vice grip to perform on command. If you aren’t physically
touching each other any more, talk about the elephant in the room. Face
your touchless relationship and discuss getting back in touch. ‘Honey,
it’s been almost as long as when you got your BA since we, ya know, did
it.” Get savvy about the levels of touch and what messages they send.
Maybe it’s time to show your desire to help her relax and feel healing.
Maybe you want to say, “Gee, Maria, I really like your hair that way…”
with an affectionate rub on the shoulders. Or maybe your slow, smooth,
caressing of her inner thighs with that rose-scented oil and soft music
playing in the background echoes what you really want to say to her,
“Gigi, you turn me on. Let’s get into it…” Then there are some things
that just send the Richter scale pointer to a ten that say, “I love
you”….which is what a majority of women are waiting to hear.
4) Turn up the volume to turn on.
Use videos/DVDs, girly porn and guy stuff
to get you hard; on the softer side of adult entertainment, you can read
bedtime stories with or to her. Buy some of those hot CDs with erotic
stories for and by women, at
Soundserotic.com. Whisper those sweet somethings in her ear, like
how much she means to you, how hot she looks in that new bra, (before
you take it off her shoulders). Even a simple “I want you” does wonders
for a lagging love machine.
